Things I hate about The Nest, in no particular order:

• The feature, “what’s nestie now.” No matter how drunk on newlywed bliss I get, I’ll never use the word “nestie” in a sentence. Unless I’m talking about tea.
• The sub-feature, “obsessed with food.” I resent the idea that I should be waxing poetic about recipes now that Chris and I are married.
• Celebrity divorce blogs. I just got married, damn it. I don’t want to be thinking about divorce until at least my second year of wedding bliss.
• Community hot topics. I’m all for discussion, but the following forum topics don’t exactly resonate for most of the women I know: “I never knew about home buying. OMG!” posted by financiallyclueless67 and “Is this kitchen trend over?” posted by almostbarefootandpregnant31.

What’s most infuriating? How similar The Knot franchise is to my student loan- it never goes away. Before I got married, there was The Knot. Then came The Nest. Later I will receive The Bump. Apparently life stops after baby, because there isn’t a site called The Body That Baby Took Away. Don’t expect this to last long, however, as THE POWERS THAT BE OF ALL THINGS KNOTTIE (vomit) are surely going to follow with:

• The Default- How to successfully default on your home loan before you lose everything.
• The Useless- How to deal with losing all the money you deposited into a social security fund that you’ll never see.
• The Grave- How to make your funeral the best ever for under $20K. It’s “Your Perfect Last Day.”

1) Chris and I will finally be married.
2) I’ll never have to deal with wedding vendors again. Hooray!

Even though we’re planning a simple affair, getting all of the details orchestrated has been the hardest project I have ever undertaken. Keep in mind that I’ve run two marathons, walked across the country, and spent forty-five days straight on the road with my future husband. All of these paled in comparison when it came time to deal with “the happiest day of my life.”

Not all of the wedding vendors that we’ve dealt with have been difficult. In fact, ordering our final ceremony invitations was a downright pleasure, thanks to Savvy Skirts of Half Moon Bay. After four hours of being counseled by Sheri, the genius behind the whole operation, we settled on super simple, classic invites that required little to no assembly. Sheri also taught us everything we needed to know about wedding invitations, which saved us some serious headaches. Because I love you, I will pass these tips along:

Always Get Two Sets of Proofs: I know, it costs you a few extra bucks, but trust me when I say it’s worth it. Sheri caught several mistakes for us during the proofing process, saving us money and time.

The More Assembly, the More Time Required: Yes, pocket invitations are cute and fun. Bows add an extra flourish and envelope liners are classy. Yet all of these require you to spend hours on end with Satan’s favorite torture device: glue dots.

Invitations Will Get Lost in the Mail: No matter how many times you double check the addresses, you’re likely to have one to two invites that never reach their final destination. Case in point: I have sent my cousin Tim and his family  two invitations and still… nothing.

Always Add Extra Postage: When in doubt, add extra postage to all of your invitations. Ask several postal employees to weigh a completed invitation before you send them off.

Don’t Leave Out Your Parents’ Names: They may say they don’t care, but trust me, they do. Besides, you wouldn’t be around if it weren’t for them. (Just try not to think of the details of how this happened, especially if you’re squeamish.)

Don’t Get All Hung Up in the Details: There’s little to no chance that anyone is going to nitpick the way you address your invitations, unless you put “To my witchy sister and her equally evil husband.”

Send an Invitation to Yourself: Make sure to set aside a finished invitation for yourself for future scrapbooking purposes.

Absolutely. In fact, do it RIGHT NOW before your friends start calling you an evil little Bride Troll for being so greedy. Here’s how you do it:

1. Go to the company’s website and log in to your registry. Dig up that piece of paper that the store gave you when you completed your registry. On that paper you should find your login info and password. Log in. If you can’t find this piece of paper, go directly to Step 3.

2. Look for a link that says something like “my account.” Scroll down past your name, address, and other info until you see a checked box that says something similar to “allow online and in-store peeps to view/buy gifts from your registry.” Uncheck that box. Click save.

3. Get on the phone and call the company. Your work is not done… yet. Most companies will keep your hidden registry in their archives until the end of time, unless you call and ask them to completely remove you from their database. Keep in mind that when you call, most companies will require you to prove that the about-to-be-canceled registry is yours by calling you back at the phone number you gave while registering. Others… not so much.

Example:

Customer Service: “Famous Online Jewelry/Registry Company. How can I help you?”

Greedy Bride: “Hi, this is Not Going to Be Such a Greedy Bride Anymore. I’d like to cancel my wedding registry.”

Customer Service: “No problem, I’ll cancel it right now.”

Yes, this is a true story. No, I’m not going to tell you the name of the store. But keep in mind that this can happen and try not to make any enemies in your bridal party or you might find yourself without a registry on your special day.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when employees of franchise stores like Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Crate and Barrel use the word “I” in relation to the products they are pushing. For example:

Employee: Welcome to Bed, Bath and Beyond! Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’m looking for a desk lamp. Do you have any of those?

Employee: Yes, I do have three desk lamps. Would you like me to show you where I keep them?

Me: Are you going to take me to your house?

Employee: (looks confused) Sorry?

Me: You said “I” have three desk lamps. So I was just wondering if you were going to sell them out of the back of your car or something.

Employee: No, no, I mean here at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

Me: Oh, see, I got confused because you said “I have three desk lamps.” I didn’t think you actually owned or created anything here at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I thought you worked for Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Employee: Would you like to see the lamps or not?

Me: Of course. Lead the way.

Ok. So that’s not the real reason we’re not skipping down the aisles of BB & B with a 007 scanner gun. But you have to admit, the above conversation would have annoyed you too.

For those of you who don’t consume high calorie, fat-laden dinner foods on a regular basis, here’s what the Domino’s Pizza Tracker looks like:

Instead of: “Our delivery expert, Jose, left the store with your order at 3:49pm” the Wedding Vendor Tracker would read, “Your cake left the bakery at 3:30pm and will arrive at the reception hall by 4:00pm.” Brilliance! Of course, there’d have to be an iPhone app as well. Extra points for a taser function that can eliminate bad wedding vendors with the push of a button.

DOMINO’S… I IMPLORE YOU… MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

P.S. At this exact moment, I could definitely use a handy box like the one above to “share my feelings” about one particular vendor. Grr…

There are very few things that Chris and I are doing that fall under the category of “traditional”, but I don’t mind invitations because there’s something very special about ask your family to attend an important event through the use of bright colors and lickable paper. (Stamps, I’m talking about stamps. I know you got all excited, thinking that the invitation were going to be like paper-thin Jolly Ranchers. Wait… maybe?)

Of course this made me think of wedding invitations mistakes that one should never make. Should you make these mistakes, I will punish you by forcing you to spend ten hours with Lindsay Lohan in a windowless room.

Note: none of these stories and tips are about people I know. I’m no fool- I know where my bread is buttered.

#10  Mentioning the Money Tree that will be at your reception.
Your guests would be better off at a timeshare meeting. It costs them nothing, they get free drinks, and they don’t have to hang dollar bills on a paper mâché tree of FAIL.

#9 Sending a pity invite.
If someone receives an invite to your wedding within two weeks of the actual event, they are going to know that you pity-invited them. Not only does this suck emotionally, this requires them to buy you a gift, which is a double-suck.

#8  Calling your friend’s significant other “and guest” when you’ve met that “guest” at least twice.
Extra loser points if your friend has been with that person longer than you’ve been with your fiance. Consider yourself ex-communicated if the “and guest” was invited to your shower and bachelorette.

#7  Sending invitations after the wedding.
Oh, I know you’d NEVER do this. You’d never send an invitation to someone after the wedding, then claim that it got lost in the mail, would you? Before you answer, remember, the baby Jesus is watching.

#6  Including a return envelope intended for monetary gifts.
Believe it or not, this happened to a friend of mine. If this happens to you, take a small stack of Monopoly money and place it in the envelope. Affix a note to the “cash” that reads: “Sorry, I am uncomfortable sending real money through the mail.”

#5  Stapling your registry cards to the wedding invitations.
Imagine the glee that spread through my soul when I heard this story. Really… I mean, really? The practice of including registry information in a wedding invitation is dubious yet acceptable, however, invitation+registry card+ stapler should never meet.

#4  Including blank RSVP cards.
We’d all like to believe that our friends and families are smart. The simple fact is, they are not. Which means if you include blank RSVP cards, except to receive several blank ones back and several more with just the number of guests and no names.

#3  Making a memorial out of your invitation.
It is a very sad thing when a loved one cannot attend a wedding. There are definitely places to honor this loved one, like in your wedding program, during your wedding toast, or on your wedding website. Nothing will creep your guests out more than an invitation that reads “John (deceased) and Mary (also deceased) Johnson invite you to attend…”

#2  Sending out an invitation with spelling errors.
Not everyone is a wordsmith. And not everyone can survive without spell check. But there’s no excuse for inviting everyone to the “Evangelical Fee Church” for your wedding ceremony. Unless, of course, you really do want them to pay first.

#1  Pretending to be Edward and Bella from Twilight.
Please excuse me as I go crawl into my closet to weep for America’s lost youth.

First Rule of Wedding Guests: there will always be one person who doesn’t attend because he or she is already attending another wedding.

Nowhere in the rules does it say, “said person will not be attend your ceremony because she is going to a covered wagon wedding.”

Yep. A mutual friend just informed Chris and me that she is playing the violin in a covered wagon wedding on the same day as our final ceremony. I would love to link you to a page that shows what that is, but apparently whomever is having this affair is the very first person to do so and doesn’t feel like broadcasting their covered=wagonness to the world.

Since there isn’t a web page, I decided to add some images to show you what I think a covered wagon might include:

A little bit of this…

A little bit of this…

Image Credit: Tensionnot.com

And a lot of this:

Okay, maybe the groom won’t be dressed up like a Star Wars character, but I think you get the point.

According to our friend, the covered wagon wedding party will circle the campfire with said covered wagons, where they will spend the night before and after the wedding. Make of that what you will, but remember, I’m not a camper, so you can imagine my horror at the thought of covered wagon showers and covered wagon bathrooms.

What the craziest wedding you’ve ever attended? Please, don’t say mine as a) it has happened yet and b) you’ll bruise my fragile little ego. Remember, I’m shy and easily scarred.

Contrary to what you might think, I don’t spend all of my time blogging about our future Wedding Road Trip. In fact, yesterday I had the pleasure of attending THE GREAT BRIDAL EXPO with my friend and fellow bride, Carolyn.

Tip #10  Don’t Pay for a Ticket to a Bridal Expo
About two weeks ago, The Knot sent me an email about THE GREAT BRIDAL EXPO, which included a code for free tickets (normally the tickets are $12.95 each). Never, ever pay for bridal expo tickets- that’s like paying for admission to a car dealership. Besides, it’s easy to get free tickets online- just type “bridal expo free tickets” into Google and follow the appropriate links.

Tip #9  Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid (or Wear the Stupid Sticker)
As Carolyn and I rode up the escalator up to the top floor of the hotel, I felt, dare I say it? Mildly optimistic. That feeling disappeared the second a chirpy woman leapt out of the eaves to affix us with stickers emblazoned with”V.I.B.” I’ll give you three guesses of what V.I.B. stands for.

No… it’s not “Veuve Is Better.” (even though Veuve is the undisputed best)

Tip #8  Don’t Buy the Raffle Tickets
Walking into a bridal expo is like running the gauntlet. Post Sticker Lady, we were accosted by two women carrying sheets of raffle tickets. After several minutes of conversation that included phrases like “prizes of a lifetime”, the two women had my six dollars and I had ten worthless sheets of raffle tickets. The second we walked through the convention hall door, we knew we’d been had. Turns out you can fill out little paper slips for each raffle without paying a dime.

Bitter and disillusioned, we skulked past David’s Bridal, but not before being vulturized by the food-deprived women who were manning the booth.

Tip #7  Don’t Expect to Actually Talk to Any of the Vendors
Bridal expos are a freaking madhouse.  Trying to have a conversation with one of the wedding vendors is like trying to get a Guinness at an Irish bar on St. Patrick’s Day. It ain’t gonna happen. Grab info on the vendors you like and pocket it for later use.

Tip #6  Don’t Give Any Personal Information to Vendors Who Offer “Great Honeymoon Deals”
“Great Honeymoon Deals” is code for “timeshare.” “Timeshare” is code for “never seeing a quarter of your paycheck ever, ever again.”

Tip #5  Don’t Eat the Cake Samples
If you stop and watch the dessert vendors, you’ll notice something disturbing… their hands are covered in dirt from hauling stuff to and from the Expo. Those dirty hands cut the now dirty cake that you then put into your soon-to-be dirty mouth. Nastiness!

Tip #4  Do Put All of Your Eggs in One Basket
If you ignored my advice (Tip #1)  and bought raffle tickets anyways, you might as well double down on prize packages that actually matter to you. Drop off as many raffle tickets as possible at your favorite booths and ignore the booths that offer “great prizes, including honeymoon discounts” (Tip #6).

Tip #3  Don’t Wear a Jacket
I don’t care if it’s twenty degrees outside, do not wear a jacket. Trust me, by the time you leave the bridal expo, you’ll be wishing you were in your bra and panties. Five thousand brides crammed into five hundred square feet makes for a five times the normal temperature moment.

Tip #2  Don’t Lose Perspective
In the moment, you might be convinced that twenty percent off of a $5,000 photo booth is the deal of the century. Hold on, Ms. Moneybags and remember this… “this maniacal Bridezilla moment too shall pass.” Besides, most vendors will honor expo pricing within a week of the event, giving you time to talk with that guy you’re marrying.

Tip #1  Don’t Stay for the Fashion Show
“But I haven’t found my dress,” you whine. Trust me when I say that you will not find your dress at the same time as 5,000 other women. Plus, the fashion show features some of the most heinous bridal fashion mistakes ever made, all set to a Casio keyboard soundtrack.

Dubious? Take a look at some of these oh-so-useful cost-saving tips and decide for yourself:

#1 Cost Saver: Make your guests pour their own lemonade.
From the article: “Put a pitcher of lemonade on a table borrowed from the church and let the guests pour their own.” Seriously? How much money does this actually save? It’s not like you have to pay your eleven-year-old cousin a cool hundy to pour a few glasses of juice.

#2 Cost Saver: Steal your bridesmaids’ flowers.
From the article: “Instead of a buying bouquet or boutonniere for everyone, only the bride and groom get them.” Okay, cool, no worries. But then... “you can carry tulips from a neighbor’s garden and he can wear a coordinating succulent.” I’m sorry… is that even English? And since when was it cool to troll your neighbor’s garden like it’s a two-dollar florist?

#3  Cost Saver: Skip lunch, skip dinner, and make your guests skip around San Francisco.
From the article: “Your guests will be invited to explore San Francisco on their own until the evening cocktail reception. Take this time to do some sight-seeing of your own!” Whee! Just what your 85-year-old grandmother wants… a free pass to wander around the City for eight hours, looking for a not-too-gritty diner because you’re too cheap to feed her dinner.

#4 Cost Saver: Go to Sephora to get your makeup done
From the article: “After all, the folks at Sephora are professionals!” Can anyone say “product placement”? Really… who wants to run into Sephora for a freebie makeup session on the day of her wedding?

#5 Cost Saver: Let your friends and family choose your wedding reception music!
From the article: “You’ll love what your friends and family choose for your first and second dances.” Please read this before you even begin to consider the ramifications of allowing your second cousin to determine your first dance fate. NOT.WORTH.IT.

I was catching up with the latest Facebook nonsense this morning when I ran across a profile picture of a recently engaged acquaintance. She looked fantastic in the pic, yet one of her “friends” (read: gold digger) felt the need to comment, “nice pic. Switch it out for one that more prominently showcases THE RING.”

Hmm… maybe it’s just me… but… does this remind you a little bit of:

One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them.

Creepy McCreeperson. Why the female obsession with THE RING, anyhow? I mean, I love my engagement ring and all, but last I checked, it hasn’t done anything but sit and look pretty on my finger.

Hmm… Maybe I just haven’t given THE RING enough credit. Let’s experiment…

I took THE RING out to the kitchen and placed it on the stove. I then asked it to make me a cup of tea. I even went so far as to get the freaking tea bag out of the cabinet- I’m that nice of a person. No dice. And no tea.

I then asked THE RING to pay my Macy’s bill. Ten minutes later, nothing.

As my final test, I have asked THE RING to finish this blog entry.