You are currently browsing the wedding industry category.
I just got another email from The Nest, which is The Knot’s online magazine for married couples. Though I’ve tried to unsubscribe (more than once), I still receive this nauseating reminder of coupledom every week. Worse yet, I received a copy of The Nest magazine in the mail last week, which was a) annoying and b) environmentally unfriendly.
Things I hate about The Nest, in no particular order:
- The feature, “what’s nestie now.” No matter how drunk on newlywed bliss I get, I’ll never use the word “nestie” in a sentence. Unless I’m talking about tea.
- The sub-feature, “obsessed with food.” I resent the idea that I should be waxing poetic about recipes now that Chris and I are married.
- Celebrity divorce blogs. I just got married, damn it. I don’t want to be thinking about divorce until at least my second year of wedding bliss.
- Community hot topics. I’m all for discussion, but the following forum topics don’t exactly resonate for most of the women I know: “I never knew about home buying. OMG!” posted by financiallyclueless67 and “Is this kitchen trend over?” posted by almostbarefootandpregnant31.
What’s most infuriating? How similar The Knot franchise is to my student loan- it never goes away. Before I got married, there was The Knot. Then came The Nest. Later I will receive The Bump. Apparently life stops after baby, because there isn’t a site called The Body That Baby Took Away. Don’t expect this to last long, however, as THE POWERS THAT BE OF ALL THINGS KNOTTIE (vomit) are surely going to follow with:
- The Default- How to successfully default on your home loan before you lose everything.
- The Useless- How to deal with losing all the money you deposited into a social security fund that you’ll never see.
- The Grave- How to make your funeral the best ever for under $20K. It’s “Your Perfect Last Day.”
The day of our final ceremony is just around the corner, which means two things:
1) Chris and I will finally be married.
2) I’ll never have to deal with wedding vendors again. Hooray!
Even though we’re planning a simple affair, getting all of the details orchestrated has been the hardest project I have ever undertaken. Keep in mind that I’ve run two marathons, walked across the country, and spent forty-five days straight on the road with my future husband. All of these paled in comparison when it came time to deal with “the happiest day of my life.”
Not all of the wedding vendors that we’ve dealt with have been difficult. In fact, ordering our final ceremony invitations was a downright pleasure, thanks to Savvy Skirts of Half Moon Bay. After four hours of being counseled by Sheri, the genius behind the whole operation, we settled on super simple, classic invites that required little to no assembly. Sheri also taught us everything we needed to know about wedding invitations, which saved us some serious headaches. Because I love you, I will pass these tips along:
Always Get Two Sets of Proofs: I know, it costs you a few extra bucks, but trust me when I say it’s worth it. Sheri caught several mistakes for us during the proofing process, saving us money and time.
The More Assembly, the More Time Required: Yes, pocket invitations are cute and fun. Bows add an extra flourish and envelope liners are classy. Yet all of these require you to spend hours on end with Satan’s favorite torture device: glue dots.
Invitations Will Get Lost in the Mail: No matter how many times you double check the addresses, you’re likely to have one to two invites that never reach their final destination. Case in point: I have sent my cousin Tim and his family two invitations and still… nothing.
Always Add Extra Postage: When in doubt, add extra postage to all of your invitations. Ask several postal employees to weigh a completed invitation before you send them off.
Don’t Leave Out Your Parents’ Names: They may say they don’t care, but trust me, they do. Besides, you wouldn’t be around if it weren’t for them. (Just try not to think of the details of how this happened, especially if you’re squeamish.)
Don’t Get All Hung Up in the Details: There’s little to no chance that anyone is going to nitpick the way you address your invitations, unless you put “To my witchy sister and her equally evil husband.”
Send an Invitation to Yourself: Make sure to set aside a finished invitation for yourself for future scrapbooking purposes.
So maybe you got just a little too happy with the 007 gun this weekend and registered for everything from a $2000 cappuccino maker to seven different colors of the same KitchenAid mixer. Now it’s Sunday afternoon and you’re wondering if you can cancel the seven different registries you started while amped up on caffeine and free waffles.
Absolutely. In fact, do it RIGHT NOW before your friends start calling you an evil little Bride Troll for being so greedy. Here’s how you do it:
1. Go to the company’s website and log in to your registry. Dig up that piece of paper that the store gave you when you completed your registry. On that paper you should find your login info and password. Log in. If you can’t find this piece of paper, go directly to Step 3.
2. Look for a link that says something like “my account.” Scroll down past your name, address, and other info until you see a checked box that says something similar to “allow online and in-store peeps to view/buy gifts from your registry.” Uncheck that box. Click save.
3. Get on the phone and call the company. Your work is not done… yet. Most companies will keep your hidden registry in their archives until the end of time, unless you call and ask them to completely remove you from their database. Keep in mind that when you call, most companies will require you to prove that the about-to-be-canceled registry is yours by calling you back at the phone number you gave while registering. Others… not so much.
Example:
Customer Service: “Famous Online Jewelry/Registry Company. How can I help you?”
Greedy Bride: “Hi, this is Not Going to Be Such a Greedy Bride Anymore. I’d like to cancel my wedding registry.”
Customer Service: “No problem, I’ll cancel it right now.”
Yes, this is a true story. No, I’m not going to tell you the name of the store. But keep in mind that this can happen and try not to make any enemies in your bridal party or you might find yourself without a registry on your special day.
Wedding registries make me cranky. I hate them in concept, though understand their necessity. It’s either a registry or twenty-five random heart-shaped vases.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when employees of franchise stores like Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Crate and Barrel use the word “I” in relation to the products they are pushing. For example:
Employee: Welcome to Bed, Bath and Beyond! Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’m looking for a desk lamp. Do you have any of those?
Employee: Yes, I do have three desk lamps. Would you like me to show you where I keep them?
Me: Are you going to take me to your house?
Employee: (looks confused) Sorry?
Me: You said “I” have three desk lamps. So I was just wondering if you were going to sell them out of the back of your car or something.
Employee: No, no, I mean here at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Me: Oh, see, I got confused because you said “I have three desk lamps.” I didn’t think you actually owned or created anything here at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I thought you worked for Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Employee: Would you like to see the lamps or not?
Me: Of course. Lead the way.
Ok. So that’s not the real reason we’re not skipping down the aisles of BB & B with a 007 scanner gun. But you have to admit, the above conversation would have annoyed you too.
If only you could track wedding vendors the same way Domino’s tracks your pizza. Domino’s, if you’re out there, I suggest you sell your technology to The Knot, STAT. And when you do, make sure to kick me back a cool ten percent.
For those of you who don’t consume high calorie, fat-laden dinner foods on a regular basis, here’s what the Domino’s Pizza Tracker looks like:
Instead of: “Our delivery expert, Jose, left the store with your order at 3:49pm” the Wedding Vendor Tracker would read, “Your cake left the bakery at 3:30pm and will arrive at the reception hall by 4:00pm.” Brilliance! Of course, there’d have to be an iPhone app as well. Extra points for a taser function that can eliminate bad wedding vendors with the push of a button.
DOMINO’S… I IMPLORE YOU… MAKE THIS HAPPEN!
P.S. At this exact moment, I could definitely use a handy box like the one above to “share my feelings” about one particular vendor. Grr…
Twitter
Facebook
YouTube
