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While researching the history of bridesmaids for Wedding Road Trip, I came across a story that had me choking on my coffee.
According to an article in the Daily Mail (circa 2008), one in five women ask their BFFs to sign a bridesmaid pre-nup. Included:
- Don’t get fat
- Don’t get pregnant
- Don’t cut your hair
- Don’t get engaged
- Don’t move to another state
While I have a hard time believing this statistic is even remotely close to factual, I have to say that I am not surprised.
As a former bridesmaid (five times over), I have been pretty lucky. The dresses were nice, the brides chill, and the duties reasonable. Take a look at the picture to the left. Notice how happy I am to be wearing a lavender dress and holding a bouquet of flowers. You want to know why?
The bride didn’t suck.
That being said, other women around the bridal world have not been nearly as fortunate. For those bridesmaids, past, present, and future, I offer up the only recourse in my arsenal- the written word.
THE TEN BRIDESMAID COMMANDMENTS FOR THE NEWLY ENGAGED
*compiled through conversations with friends… not from personal experience
Thou shalt not tell your Maid of Honor that she must not get pregnant during your engagement period. You do not own her uterus.
Thou shalt not adorn your bridesmaids in dresses that purposely make them look fatter than you. Go to the gym.
Thou shalt not expect your out-of-state bridesmaids to attend more than one pre-wedding event. And share your frequent flier miles while you’re at it, you stingy beast.
Thou shalt not give all but one bridesmaid a special title, ie: “This is my Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor, and my Bridesmaid.” Cue the pigeons in Cinderella.
Thou shalt not expect reciprocity when your bridesmaids get married. Not everyone wants twenty-five BFFs standing next to them at their wedding.
Thou shalt not require honesty from your bridesmaids on the day of your wedding. The answer to “do I look fat and ugly in this dress” will always be “no” from your bridesmaids, even if you look like the Exxon Valdez, pre-oil spill.
Thou shalt remember to thank your bridesmaids during your wedding toast. Even if you hate them at this point, it will save you hours of arguments in the future.
Thou shalt not tell your bridesmaids how to “act” at your reception. If you’re worried that your Maid of Honor will disgrace herself in the bushes behind the church bingo hall, you probably should have left that friendship back in high school.
Thou shalt not favor one bridesmaid over another. Saying the phrase, “I had to add an extra bridesmaid because I needed both sides to be even,” may cause your friends to wonder who was the (unlucky) fifth.
Thou shalt not ask male bridesmaids to attend the bachelorette party. You’re emasculating them enough as is, trust me.
I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking that a videographer is a waste of your precious wedding money. Money that is better spent upgrading your bar from well to premium. But I think you’re wrong. Here’s why:
#10 You can finally catch granny on tape drinking from her hidden flask.
#9 When you watch it five years later, you’ll instantly want to go on a diet.
#8 Your future kids can watch it to get Halloween costume ideas.
#7 It can be used as evidence when your husband eventually comes out of the closet.
#6 You can trace the beginnings of cousin Timmy’s lifelong alcohol addiction.
#5 Your bridesmaids will finally be able to prove that you were high maintenance.
#4 You’ll be able to clearly see why a band of angry patriots egged your car on the way to the reception.
#3 You’ll be able to pinpoint exactly when the evening went sour.
#2 You’ll remember why you don’t normally dance in public.
#1 You’ll finally understand why no one ate the cake.
I’m in Fresno right now for a wedding of one of my “favoritest” people in the whole world, Sye, and his lovely bride-to-be, Laura. On Sunday, they’ll become one, both in the eyes of the law and in the biblical sense. (Nice mental imagery for Sye’s future in-laws.)
Of course, I’m sure Sye is living in fear that he’ll accidentally say or do something ridiculous during the all too important “I do” moment. To save him from doing something that will quickly become family legend, I offer up the following tips. Sye, take heed and remember… if you do something embarrassing, I’ll totally be there to support you, Flip video camera in hand. Hello, YouTube!
#10 Don’t print the words “help me” on the soles of your shoes.
Sure, you think it’s hilarious. But what if someone has had too many pre-ceremony cocktails? Imagine the confusion as a guest rushes forward to “save you” and instead gets your future wife’s bouquet right in the kisser.
Earthtrek.com
#9 Turn your cell phone off before you walk down the aisle.
I know you really like your “SexyBack” ringtone, but it totally clashes with George Winston. Plus, who’s going to be calling you? Nothing like getting a call from Comcast right as you’re saying, “I do.”
#8 Don’t accidentally put your new wife’s ring on her middle finger.
Though now that I think about it, that would be pretty damn funny. So please do it.
EricSmithRocks.com
#7 Don’t say your ex-girlfriend’s name during the vows.
I know it’s been years since you’ve dated anyone else, but now would be the ABSOLUTE worst time to say any name but that of your future wife. Then again, if every woman you’ve ever dated has the same name, you’re totally safe.
#6 Don’t go for the tongue on that first kiss.
Ya, it’s funny. Until it’s totally gross. Your mama doesn’t want to see that and neither does the wedding photographer. Keep it clean, kids.
#5 If your future wife drops your ring, don’t go hunting for it.
That’s what you’re paying the pastor for. Besides, hide and go seek is for the honeymoon.
#4 Don’t grab the maid of honor’s butt during the sand ceremony.
Though in some cases, this might also be “don’t grab the best man’s butt during the sand ceremony.”
#3 Don’t arrange to have your bride kidnapped during the ceremony.
Apparently, there is a long lost German tradition that says the bride should be kidnapped sometime during the wedding. The groom, as his first act as husband, is given clues to find her. Pretty funny, until you find your bride belly up at the local bar, drinking with your supposed best man.
#2 Make sure you have a left and a right shoe.
Apparently this happens quite often to grooms. While I know your dancing abilities rival that of an electrocuted chicken, it’s gonna suck if both of your shoes are for your left feet.
#1 Don’t freak out about the future.
Spending a lifetime together is scary stuff, indeed. But remember, everything happens one day at a time. So just say it with me now… “I do.” Now, wasn’t that easy?
You’ve created a list of photos that you absolutely have to snap at your upcoming wedding. After your wedding, you can print them out and create a super duper wedding album! Yay! Now let me help you make one of those Creative Memory albums! Yay! Ready???
Right. I’m about as crafty as Paris Hilton in a Home Depot. But I can tell you what pictures not to take:
#10 The Ex-Boyfriend Group Photo
Maybe your groom can invite them to spend the first night with you too!
#9 The Keg Stand Photo
Because nothing says classy like an upside down bride sucking on a nozzle.
#8 The Sleeping Groom Photo
If this is the excitement level on the wedding day, imagine what the next fifty years are going to be like.
#7 The Bride with Assault Rifle Photo
I know what we should do! This’ll be great! Wait till we show the kids!
#6 The “Look Everyone, We Carried the Cake in a Dirty Crate” Photo
I wonder if the Chippy Chicken came in a compost bin?
#5 The Bride’s First Reaction to the Ring Photo
Worst part? The groom will see this photo AFTER he’s already signed on the dotted line.
#4 The “You’re Going to Pay for That, Grandpa!” Photo
Forever memorialized as a Bridezilla, thanks to a digital camera and a misplaced foot.
#3 The “As If Making You Wear That Awful Dress Wasn’t Enough” Photo
Because stuffing your friend in taffeta isn’t enough. You also have to ride her like a broken down pony.
#2 The “Because We Wanted to Capture Every Second of the Wedding” Photo
I mean.. seriously… where did this couple meet… at a portapotty?
#1 The “What Happened After the Wedding” Photo
Sorry, hon. It’s too late to go back now. You should have checked first.
Ladies, if you don’t like the bridesmaid dress you’re wearing for an upcoming wedding, shut your mouths right now! It could be a lot, lot worse. After all, you could be a bridesmaid in…
#10 The Hello Kitty Wedding
Nothing says friendship like dressing your Maid of Honor like a walking Sanrio store.
#9 The Gone With the Wind Wedding
Frankly Scarlett, your bridesmaids WILL give a damn when you stuff them into corsets the size of toothpicks.
#8 The Wizard of Oz Wedding
Check out the hat in the back and thank your lucky stars that most brides let you do your own hair.
#7 The Underwater Wedding
Imagine trying to look pretty for photos while your hair is flopping around like a geriatric jelly fish.
#6 The Pajama Wedding
I know it’s only a matter of time before someone evolves this idea into a Snuggie wedding.
#5 The Star Trek Wedding
This could only get worse if the bride asked you to dress like the Trouble With Tribbles episode.
#4 The ’80s Wedding
Stop reading this blog. Go to every engaged woman you know and thank her profusely for having the foresight not to get married during the 1980s.
#3 The 4-Wheelin’ Wedding
Imagine the classy bridesmaid dresses that went with this little ensemble. Biker boots? Optional.
#2 The Edward Scissorhands Wedding
Check out the scorpions on her neck. Sweeeeet.
#1 The Nude Wedding
Are you done complaining, yet?
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