wedding road trip

Put Down the Weights!

Ladies (and certain sensitive gentlemen) who are engaged, if I have one piece of advice to give you that will save you years (and I do mean YEARS) of heartache and explanations…

Sandbag your wedding.

Yep, you heard me correctly- sandbag it.

Now I know that you were planning on going to the gym twice a day, drinking twelve glasses of water per meal, and eliminating everything from carbs to carrots in order to look perfect on your wedding day.

Don’t do it.

Instead, be your badass, normal self and walk down the aisle looking exactly as you do now, with a little bit of makeup and hair help from the beauty gods. Show those pearly whites and paint your nails, but do not try to attain the “perfect you” before you walk down the aisle.

As you look at the pictures two months after your big day, bemoaning how you should have ignored my advice and lifted weights for ten months before your blessed affair, remember this: you’ll thank me in five years. Because in five years, you’re going to look even hotter than you did on your big day. You’ll have worked out and eaten a balanced diet. If you were trying to lose any weight, it will have come off naturally without restricting your diet to foods that start with “Z”.

The best part? When people whip out your wedding photos, they won’t say, “wow, is this you?” in a voice that says, “girl…your day has passed.” Instead, they will look at you and say, “wow, you just keep getting better and better, don’t you?”

Brand FAIL: Cheesecake Factory

Last night Chris and I trekked over to Macy’s to purchase our Road Trip Tux and Road Trip Dress. We’re 16 days away from leaving on our actual Wedding Road Trip and the list of things we need to accomplish before that date feels (almost) impossible. Like all good procrastinators, we decided to skip finalizing our road trip route in favor of grabbing a salad at the Cheesecake Factory.

Yes, a salad. Sigh.

With our wedding looming in the not-so-distant future, Chris and I are working toward becoming as lean and mean as possible. Problem is, I’ve only seemed to accomplish the latter, which leaves me stuck with the low-cal section of the menu. Which, by the way, has the worst name in the history of low-cal menus- WEIGHT MANAGEMENT SALADS.

I mean, really. Come on, Cheesecake Factory! This is all you could come up with during what I’m sure was a ten-hour meeting that included several non-weight management pasta dishes? Why not just call them, “Hey, I Know I’m a Fat Ass Salads” or “There’s No Way in Hell I’m Ordering This On a First Date Salads.”

The Skinny

As I prepare myself for yet another Jillian Michael’s inspired wedding workout, I ask the same question that my friend and fellow bride Heather posed this morning…

What is it about an impending wedding that sends brides and grooms alike scurrying to the gym to lose ten, twenty, sometimes thirty pounds in just a few short months?

I myself have taken to double workouts, given my flexible freelancer’s schedule and sudden urge to become a Victoria’s Secret model. Dessert has magically lost its kryptonite-like ability to draw me in at ten o’clock every evening. Exercisetv.tv has become my new best friend. I even (gasp) drink water.

To Heather, the whole pre-wedding diet and exercise craze is silly. In her experience, brides lose the weight, have the wedding, and then promptly grow to the size of a suburban tract home.

To me, it’s strictly vanity. If I can’t get in shape for my wedding, it ain’t ever gonna happen. Granted, I’ve always been an athlete, but I haven’t been skinny since 2004. If there’s a time, it’s now.