For those of you who don’t consume high calorie, fat-laden dinner foods on a regular basis, here’s what the Domino’s Pizza Tracker looks like:

Instead of: “Our delivery expert, Jose, left the store with your order at 3:49pm” the Wedding Vendor Tracker would read, “Your cake left the bakery at 3:30pm and will arrive at the reception hall by 4:00pm.” Brilliance! Of course, there’d have to be an iPhone app as well. Extra points for a taser function that can eliminate bad wedding vendors with the push of a button.

DOMINO’S… I IMPLORE YOU… MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

P.S. At this exact moment, I could definitely use a handy box like the one above to “share my feelings” about one particular vendor. Grr…

It’s the day you’ll always remember.

It’s your “special day.”

These are just a few of the cliches you’ll hear within seconds of getting engaged. When you look at each statement, one word stands out:

It’s the most important day of your life.

It’s the day you’ll always remember.

It’s your “special day.”

Yep, brides and grooms, it’s all about you. And vendors know that.

In fact, if a vendor to bride conversation were to be entirely honest, it might go something like this:

Vendor: I really want you to choose Grown In My Backyard Flowers! We’d love to do your wedding! We’ll make it the most beautiful day ever! Your roses will be so fat that they’ll get approached by Weight Watchers! I am going to just keep talking until you tell me that you want us to do your flowers! Still talking! Yep, talking!

Bride: Um… ya. Sure. I’d love for you to do the flowers for our wedding. How much will it cost? Please keep it on the cheap. I’m already over  budget.

Vendor: Here at Grown in My Backyard Flowers, we think that getting married deserves a twenty percent surcharge! If you were just throwing a regular party and not calling it a wedding, we’d probably give you the flowers for half price.

Bride: Well, that sounds reasonable… I guess.

Vendor: Great… the contract will be in your inbox tomorrow morning.

A week passes. The contract finally arrives. The Bride immediately calls the Vendor.

Bride: Hi, Vendor, I’m confused. The name of your business is Grown in My Backyard Flowers, yet you’re importing my roses from Sweden?

Vendor: Well, honey, you waited until the last minute to order. Roses are out of season.

Bride: But my wedding is a year away! And aren’t roses perennial flowers?

Vendor: Honey, all the good florists are booked by now. You’ll just have to add a little more cash to your flower budget. Call your daddy. I’m sure he’ll pitch in.

Bride: Wait… if all the good florists are booked by now, what does that make you?

Vendor: The florist that is going to have you eating SPAM out of the can for the next six months.

#10   Never, ever, promise to give me something for free and then take it back.
This is kind of like when I tell Chris he’s going to get lucky if he comes over that night and I end up making us watch America’s Next Top Model instead. So.Not.Cool.

#9   Never, ever promise me that you’ll deliver a contract by a certain date and then send it several days later.
In economic times such as these, the buyer (aka me and brides all over the country) is queen and the wedding industry must grovel. A late contract equals no contract.

#8   Never, ever spell my name wrong.
I know, I know… I have a really complicated name… Jaime. Or is it Jamie? So, so difficult. Especially when my name is spelled out clearly in my email address.

#7    Never, ever talk &!@! about a competitor.
Oh, you think you’re all cute couching your put downs in diplomatic double speak, but I’m no fool. I know when you say “minimalistic decor” you really mean “cheap bastards.”

#6   Never, ever talk #@$ about another bride.
My mother taught me this rule and it has stuck with me. Again, I’m no fool. If you’re talking crap about Bridezilla #1, it won’t be too long before you’re talking to her about Bridezilla #2 (aka… me).

#5   Never, ever try to fake me out by saying someone else is two seconds away from booking the same date as me.
I know that in an industry as busy as the wedding industry, simultaneous booking is possible. But given the number of times a vendor has told me this over the past two months (nine times out of ten), I am going to have to say… not freaking likely. Honestly, if it is true, you’re so bad at closing the deal, you’re probably not going to close mine either.

#4   Never, ever send me a contract that isn’t proofed first.
Believe it or not, I do notice when you put the wrong wedding date, wrong location, and wrong groom’s name. It makes me think that you proofed my contract while simultaneously milking a herd of cows and watching reruns of The Simple Life.

#3   Never, ever try to sell me on how popular you and your product are.
If you’ve talked with me for more than five seconds, you’ll quickly realize that the last thing I want is something that everyone else wants.

#2   Never, ever add a service charge on to the package pricing.
Be smart, kids. Include your service charge in the per person pricing and your clients will be none-the-wiser. They will feel like they’ve gotten a STEAL. There is something so simple about knowing that the cost per head is inclusive of every charge.

#1   Never, ever bully me.
City Hall is a short walk from my apartment. I’ll be there faster than you can spell J-A-I-M-E… or is it Jamie?

That being said, the dresses are, as other people have noted, gorgeous. I met and fell in love with Carolina Herrera… a moment I’ll never forget. Oh wait… does that mean I actually “cherished the experience”? Hmm…. buy your dress here, but only if you have serious coin and no regrets about spending it on one day.