Top Ten Ways to Cut Wedding Costs Without Taking a Road Trip
Not everyone wants to take a roadtrip to celebrate their impending nuptials, but most people want to save serious cash when planning a recession wedding. Most blogs will tell you to buy cheaper bridesmaid’s dresses and bake your own cake. Yada, yada, yada. If you want standard tips, visit Emily Post’s wicked stepchild, The Knot.
#10 Axe the Attendants
If you’re over the age of 24, you shouldn’t be using the terms “BFF” and “best friend” anyway. And… if your friends are truly your BFFs (oops), they’ll be by your side no matter what type of wedding you have. They will also love you that much more for not stuffing them into yellow taffeta dresses with ‘the most precious pretty pink flowers EVER!’ Maybe they’ll even take all of the cash they saved to buy you that useless pineapple juicer you registered for at Crate and Barrel.
#9 F*** the Flowers
I don’t mean this literally (unless you’re into that sort of thing, which is entirely your own business). Flowers can be beautiful, but like everything that is naturally beautiful, they eventually die. Your $4000 in a 4.5% saving account, however, will flourish for years to come. So will your memories of that strip club in Vegas, should you choose the less practical route.
#8 Avoid all locations that have websites with a tab that says “wedding”.
A site manager of a location that had the foresight to set wedding-specific prices also had the thought, “how can I gouge these lovestruck schmucks?” at the exact same moment.
#7 Never ever buy a new dress.
Sure, sure. Try on that pretty new dress at the pretty little dress salon. Then get your pretty little ass to the Internet and start Googling for that dress on sample sale and on eBay. You’ll only wear it once. Who cares if someone else wore it once before you?
#6 Hard alcohol is equally hard on your wallet.
I am a huge advocate of weddings with alcohol. I am not, however, a huge fan of watching my grandmother get drunk on premium whiskey. Beer? Yes. Wine? Yes. Jagermeister? That’s what a flask is for, my friend.
#5 If you would rather eat your own face than have a four-course dinner alone with a potential guest, cross ‘em off the list.
Your friends will try to pressure you to invite Third Party Schmuck X to your wedding. Don’t do it. Adding just ten acquaintances to a $100 a head wedding costs you $1K. In case you’re wondering, that’s roughly the same cost as five round trip tickets from San Francisco to Las Vegas.
#4 Blue linens are just as interesting as white linens. Yet white linens are free.
Most caterers/reception locations include standard white linens in their wedding packages. Changing the color of the linens can add another $500-$600 to your budget. Remember, the word “wedding” is synonymous with “white” for a reason. Keep the cash and get blue flowers. Except that I told you to f*** the flowers. Oh, who cares! No one is looking at the tablecloths and flowers anyways. They’re too busy watching your grandmother doing premium whiskey shots at the bar. Nevermind.
#3 Cheap chairs accomplish the same goal as designer chairs.
Well, except for the fact that designer chairs rape your pocketbook. Yes, I know the Chiavari chairs are cute. So are chia pets. Neither of which should be at your wedding.
#2 Cake, schmake.
Be honest. You’d be so much happier with a bowl full of cookie dough. Which, coincidentally, does not cost $1K and has the added bonus of potentially killing off any unwanted relatives through salmonella poisoning. Think about it.
#1 Elope.
You knew I was going to say this. Now grow a pair and go do it!
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