We’re getting hitched.

Yep, all of this interviewing, planning, thinking and plotting still brings us to one immutable conclusion:

Marriage.

I woke up with this “revelation” and almost went back to sleep for good. A dream realized is scary stuff, just ask anyone who is about to live out a fantasy.

In less than two weeks:

• both Chris and I will have a new last name.
• I will wear a dress my mother bought me over six months ago (and try not to trip as I walk down the aisle).
• we will say goodbye to Roxy.
• I will have to draw some serious conclusions about this whole marriage affair.

Hmm… now that I think about it, I guess “affair” isn’t a really good word to use alongside “marriage.”

Over-scheduled.

Within the next month:

We will say goodbye to Roxy. (Right now it’s scheduled for next week, but we’re hoping to keep her through the end of the trip.)
We will get married.
We will find an apartment.
We will attend a wedding.
We will interview at least fifty more people.
Chris will work.
I will attempt to work.
I will attend a bachelorette party and a wedding shower.
We will both try not to kill each other.

With uncertain jobs, transitioning apartments, and a future that’s full of overcast San Francisco weather… it’s hard not to dream of being back in Louisville, worrying about duck attacks. I can’t wait to get back on the road Friday, when we head down to Ventura to interview some of our Southern California peeps.

Guest complaints caused the untimely death of this bride.

I thought we wouldn’t have to revisit this subject, but it appears that our entry on Wedding Blowoffs For Every Occasion did not achieve the desired results. So let’s try again, shall we? Feel free to steal this and use it for your own wedding- I promise you’ll need it.

For People Who Grumble About the Location of Your Wedding:

We are sorry that our wedding (isn’t in your backyard|requires you to buy a tank of gas|makes you actually consider leaving the city limits for the first time in ten years.)

For People Who Kvetch About the Hotel You’ve Chosen for Your Wedding:

We are sorry that our wedding hotel (is too big|is too small|is not at a cheap, rat-infested Motel 6 and is instead clean and well-located|is at a cheap rat-infested Motel 6 because you complained too much about the nice hotel being too expensive.)

For People Who Complain About the Timing of Your Wedding:

We are sorry that our wedding (is in the morning|is in the afternoon|is in the evening|is not scheduled between episodes of The Bachelorette and Lost|wasn’t scheduled around your latest pedicure.)

For People Who Whine About Not Being Consulted About Your Wedding:

We are sorry that we (didn’t ask you about the proper placement of Oxford commas in our invitations|didn’t call you every morning to discuss table linen colors|didn’t invite you to spend the honeymoon night with us.)

And in our case…

We are sorry that our wedding (doesn’t involve a color scheme|doesn’t have a bridal party|doesn’t have any flowers|doesn’t have a bouquet toss|doesn’t require that you wear a fancy suit|still gives you plenty of reasons to judge us.)

The catalyst for this shocking discovery was that the headlining band didn’t come on until 12:15 AM. Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, that was when I started the night. Now that’s when I want to be in bed, fast asleep. (Mercifully, the band – a Danish funk/R&B outfit called Asteroid Galaxy Tour – was quite good.) A mere decade ago, it felt edgy and illicit to stay in a bar until 4 AM. Now, edgy means sleeping in past 9. Pretty soon I’ll be eating raisin bran and watching Matlock and talking about when a gallon of gas cost $2.

The great part is that this evolution takes away one of my big fears around marriage. Generally, I had the impression that a wedding was also a funeral for your social life. Everything you did from then on had to be a wholesome, bland activity, acceptable to your party-adverse spouse. You would be doomed to gamely feigning excitement about microwaved leftovers followed by an evening of playing Scrabble, while your friends rage at a nightclub and have the greatest time ever known.

However…

• Jaime is fun – much more so than me, in fact,
• I no longer equate alcohol with automatic entertainment, because it can also lead to narcolepsy and hangovers.
• I don’t really want to rage until 2 AM because I actually like walking the streets of San Francisco before the hipsters get up.
• I know more words than dance moves.

I know that after the wedding, Jaime and I will still go to concerts, clubs, and parties. But I also know that some Saturday nights I’ll be pulling out the Scrabble board and trying to score a bingo with M-A-T-L-O-C-K.

But as we talked further, I realized… it’s not the institution of marriage itself that’s intimidating… rather, it’s all the things that you’re expected to do once you’re hitched—namely, buy a house and have kids. In fact, there’s almost a vague expectation that you’re getting married just to do those things, since everything else that used to be verboten for single people (sex, living together, going to bed at 10 PM on Saturday night) is now commonplace.

If you really stop and think about it, buying a house and having kids are far more expensive and irreversible decisions than getting married. I proposed to Jaime because I was finally ready to give house and child-ownership a try…

At some point.
In theory.
Maybe.
If she wants them.

But those will be even bigger hurdles than the wedding itself… and I know how long it took me to propose, even when I knew it was the right thing.

So for you married or formerly-married people out there, how challenging was the jump into buying a house and/or having kids? Did those decisions strengthen your relationship or torpedo it? And how long did you wait after getting married to give them a try?

Kyle told me a little story about a woman that he met a year ago at SXSW. The woman was apparently married, but that didn’t stop her from sidling up to Kyle at the bar. A few hours later, he found himself back at her house. Dying to know why she’d chosen him as her first extra-marital, extra-curricular activity, he asked why she was cheating on her husband with him. The woman looked down at her hands. “I’m not going to leave my husband for you,” she said sadly, as if she was about to break his poor little heart. Kyle, of course, tried not to laugh in her face.

The conversation left me with a lot to think about. When you get married, you make a vow to stay faithful until “death do you part.” It would seem to follow that breaking that vow would be a more serious decision than choosing to spontaneously hooking up with some hot guy at a bar. In some ways, the woman’s decision reminded me of that really ridiculous reality show, Temptation Island. Except no one won.

Well, except maybe Kyle.

Ladies and gents… get your pencils and pens ready. I am adding a new question to our list of road trip questions… how do you remain faithful after marriage when the world is one big temptation island?

Chris: Let me see if I can get this straight. Our impending marriage inspires thoughts about death?

Jaime: It’s all I can think about. I mean, really, how can someone merely stop existing? Become nothing?

Chris: I know I sound like a broken record, but… marrying me equates to death in your mind?

Jaime: Yes. I mean, no. It’s just what I’m thinking about right now.

Chris: Didn’t you say you spent the day finalizing the road trip route?

Jaime: Well, I was. But I was thinking about death too. Did you know that 115 people die each day from auto accidents? Maybe we should fly everywhere.

Chris: Did you know that 115 people become homeless every day because they do ridiculous things like make 51 one-way flights around the country?

Jaime: Really?

Silence.

Chris: Why are you rubbing your forehead?

Jaime: I feel a brain aneurysm coming on. We need to decide our death plan, quick, before it comes.

Chris: Our death plan?

Jaime: You know, how you’re going to let me know that there is life after death. A sign. But it can’t be something that I can make happen or I won’t believe it. So you can’t have a pigeon land on my doorstep or something.

Chris: I’m sorry, what?

Jaime: Do I have to explain everything to you?

Chris: Alright, Jaime. Here is your death plan. If I die before you, I will come back in the form of several strangers who will walk up to individually and say right to your face, “YOU ARE CRAZY.”

Jaime: Na. That’s too believable.

So last night’s dream… I was attending a friend’s wedding when I was told that I too would be getting married that day. I immediately started saying over and over again, “I can’t get married yet, I haven’t gone on the road trip!” Everyone looked at me like they thought I was nuts. I was then forced into my dress by two friends who whispered about me in the corner like I was Troll Bride incarnate.

Annoyed, I kept trying to get out of the wedding. “It’s April 13!” I yelled to anyone who would listen. “I’m supposed to get married on August 15!” My mom walked by and said dismissively, “your hair looks like crap.”

I turned to my dad and pleaded, “I’m not supposed to get married today. We haven’t gone on the road trip yet! And Todd isn’t here! Todd is marrying us on August 15!”

The dream ended with me stalking around in a lackluster dress with really bad hair. I awoke with a resolve that I haven’t felt since Walgreen’s put Revlon cosmetics on two for one sale and I vowed to be the first person in the store.

I will not get married until I go on the road trip. Oh ya, Chris, you’re invited too