Contrary to what you might think, I don’t spend all of my time blogging about our future Wedding Road Trip. In fact, yesterday I had the pleasure of attending THE GREAT BRIDAL EXPO with my friend and fellow bride, Carolyn.

Tip #10  Don’t Pay for a Ticket to a Bridal Expo
About two weeks ago, The Knot sent me an email about THE GREAT BRIDAL EXPO, which included a code for free tickets (normally the tickets are $12.95 each). Never, ever pay for bridal expo tickets- that’s like paying for admission to a car dealership. Besides, it’s easy to get free tickets online- just type “bridal expo free tickets” into Google and follow the appropriate links.

Tip #9  Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid (or Wear the Stupid Sticker)
As Carolyn and I rode up the escalator up to the top floor of the hotel, I felt, dare I say it? Mildly optimistic. That feeling disappeared the second a chirpy woman leapt out of the eaves to affix us with stickers emblazoned with”V.I.B.” I’ll give you three guesses of what V.I.B. stands for.

No… it’s not “Veuve Is Better.” (even though Veuve is the undisputed best)

Tip #8  Don’t Buy the Raffle Tickets
Walking into a bridal expo is like running the gauntlet. Post Sticker Lady, we were accosted by two women carrying sheets of raffle tickets. After several minutes of conversation that included phrases like “prizes of a lifetime”, the two women had my six dollars and I had ten worthless sheets of raffle tickets. The second we walked through the convention hall door, we knew we’d been had. Turns out you can fill out little paper slips for each raffle without paying a dime.

Bitter and disillusioned, we skulked past David’s Bridal, but not before being vulturized by the food-deprived women who were manning the booth.

Tip #7  Don’t Expect to Actually Talk to Any of the Vendors
Bridal expos are a freaking madhouse.  Trying to have a conversation with one of the wedding vendors is like trying to get a Guinness at an Irish bar on St. Patrick’s Day. It ain’t gonna happen. Grab info on the vendors you like and pocket it for later use.

Tip #6  Don’t Give Any Personal Information to Vendors Who Offer “Great Honeymoon Deals”
“Great Honeymoon Deals” is code for “timeshare.” “Timeshare” is code for “never seeing a quarter of your paycheck ever, ever again.”

Tip #5  Don’t Eat the Cake Samples
If you stop and watch the dessert vendors, you’ll notice something disturbing… their hands are covered in dirt from hauling stuff to and from the Expo. Those dirty hands cut the now dirty cake that you then put into your soon-to-be dirty mouth. Nastiness!

Tip #4  Do Put All of Your Eggs in One Basket
If you ignored my advice (Tip #1)  and bought raffle tickets anyways, you might as well double down on prize packages that actually matter to you. Drop off as many raffle tickets as possible at your favorite booths and ignore the booths that offer “great prizes, including honeymoon discounts” (Tip #6).

Tip #3  Don’t Wear a Jacket
I don’t care if it’s twenty degrees outside, do not wear a jacket. Trust me, by the time you leave the bridal expo, you’ll be wishing you were in your bra and panties. Five thousand brides crammed into five hundred square feet makes for a five times the normal temperature moment.

Tip #2  Don’t Lose Perspective
In the moment, you might be convinced that twenty percent off of a $5,000 photo booth is the deal of the century. Hold on, Ms. Moneybags and remember this… “this maniacal Bridezilla moment too shall pass.” Besides, most vendors will honor expo pricing within a week of the event, giving you time to talk with that guy you’re marrying.

Tip #1  Don’t Stay for the Fashion Show
“But I haven’t found my dress,” you whine. Trust me when I say that you will not find your dress at the same time as 5,000 other women. Plus, the fashion show features some of the most heinous bridal fashion mistakes ever made, all set to a Casio keyboard soundtrack.

I can hardly contain my excitement.*

The greatest show on Earth.

THE bridal expo to end all bridal expos.

Thousands and thousands of wedding vendors at my disposal, offering me billions upon billions of useless items that I can purchase for the low, low price of next month’s rent. At least that’s what my best friend The Knot told me when they spammed me earlier this morning with two free tickets to THE GREAT BRIDAL EXPO.

Only good can come out of a trip to THE GREAT BRIDAL EXPO. Moments that last a lifetime will happen at THE GREAT BRIDAL EXPO. I will be the ULTIMATE BRIDE if I attend the THE GREAT BRIDAL EXPO.

Let the brainwashing begin!

(to be continued… after my trip to… you guessed it…my trip to THE GREAT BRIDAL EXPO… April 4th)

* this might just be sarcasm. might.