Prior to our trip, my mother, ever-the-wise, offered up this question:
“What if you break up from all of the stress of being on the road together for more than six weeks?”
This of course annoyed me because she’s my mother and she’s never right. Except that she’s always right. Every. Single. Time.
Friends warned that the road would get to us, cause us to bicker, make us cranky, even lead us to (gasp!) question our future commitment.
But, ever convinced that our way was the right way, Chris and I duly ignored all of the naysayers. As we drove off into the sunrise on May 29, 2009, I uttered the following soon-to-become historic words: “People are nuts. I don’t think we’ll have any fights on this trip 
”
Five days later, I have this to say about my pronouncement:
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
This morning I received an email from TripIt that said, “your trip to Eugene, Oregon is about to begin.” Yes, indeed it is.
Gulp.
It’s T minus five days and counting and my Wedding Road Trip to do list still has more than seventy things on it. Add to that three freelance assignments due tomorrow and you’ll understand why I am desperately hoping that if I can just find the magic stopwatch, the world will pause for a moment.
This kind of time crunch inevitably leads to fights. Yay! Nothing like taking stress out on the one you love. This particular fight was brought to us by the Wedding Road Trip Kickoff Party, which will be held at the Red Devil Lounge on Tuesday.
INT. WALGREEN’S CANDY AISLE. LATE AFTERNOON.
JAIME and her roommate’s seven-year-old brother NOAH are busy dropping boxes of candy into a basket. CHRIS stands nearby, his face growing more and more annoyed.
Chris: Do we really need all of that candy?
Jaime: Yes. How else do you expect to inspire 100+ people to dance on a Tuesday night? Alcohol can only do so much.
Chris: What do you mean 100+? I think less than fifty will show up.
Jaime: Have you seen the list? It’s not just the one that’s on Facebook. We’ve got 150 people coming, and that’s not including plus ones. You need to be optimistic.
Chris: I just think all of this candy is way too expensive.
Jaime: Seriously, we’re arguing over forty dollars worth of candy? Are you saying that our friends and family are not worth twenty-five boxes of Swedish Fish?
Chris: I’m saying that fifty bags of Pop Rocks is a bit excessive.
Chris reaches in the basket to pull out some of the Pop Rocks.
Jaime: Oh no. You can take away the gummy mini cola bottles, but you WILL NOT remove the Pop Rocks. I have a reputation to maintain.
Chris: I thought we agreed that you’d leave that “reputation” in the Tenderloin, where it belongs.
And off we went. In the end, the candy won (yay!) but I won’t if, say, only fifty people show up on Tuesday. Sigh. I’ll fight that battle after I take care of the other 69 items on my to do list.
Jaime and I recently had our first blowup fight. As in, I was left standing on the street at 1 AM without my phone, wallet, keys, or a jacket. You are probably guessing the fight was about the wedding road trip route, a bachelor party, or our wedding colors.
Oh no. We had a knock-down and drag-out fight about…
TAX POLICY.
And it wasn’t even about how getting married can sometimes actually cost you more than being single. Nope. It went something like this:
Jaime: I support paying taxes, but the wealthy shouldn’t have to pay a higher rate than everyone else. It’s a disincentive to work hard and make more money. A flat tax makes more sense.
Chris: I disagree. We have a progressive tax rate because the wealthy have more income available – a flat tax leaves the poor with a lot less money. They spend a higher percentage of their income just covering everyday living expenses.
Jaime: If I want more money, I work harder. Maybe some people should consider that. Plus, you hate rich people.
Chris: I don’t think the rich are magical beings who are better than everyone else. Some have worked hard and earned every penny, but others have gotten lots of advantages or simply inherited their money. Plus, you hate poor people, even though you’re not exactly rich yourself.
Jaime: Well, I won’t be poor forever, because I’m smart and I work hard. Someday I’ll be rich, and when that happens I don’t want to pay a crazy tax rate. And I don’t hate poor people.
Chris: Yeah, well 80% of Americans think they’re going to be millionaires and I’ve got news for them – less than 10% of them will ever be rich.
As you can tell, we have some different views about the world. My beliefs align closely with Bulgarian socialists, while Jaime and Warren G. Harding (old white guy at right) would have gotten along nicely.
The good news is that we quickly realized this doesn’t matter because neither of us has the power to change tax policy. However, it’s clear we’re going to get in some dumb fights while we’re married, likely covering topics such as…
- the best relief pitcher in the AL,
- puppies vs. puppies, and
- whether “Manwich” is an allowable word in Scrabble.
I can’t wait to see the types of arguments the road trip inspires.
Chris and I got together this afternoon to work on the first iteration of the road trip route. As we fueled ourselves with lowfat mozzarella, wheat crust, deep dish pizza, we poured over a map, leftover from my Steps Across America days. Everything was going fine… until we hit the southern part of the United States.
Jaime (focused): So, if we go to Orlando, we can cut across through Tampa. I know someone in Tampa that we could visit. Then we’ll go on to Fort Myers- maybe-
Chris (annoyed): Wait. I’d rather go to Miami then see some random person in Tampa.
Jaime (defensive): She’s not a random person. We spent four months walking across the country together. She’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. She’s traveled all over the world.
Chris (going in for the kill): Is her number in your cell?
Jaime (stuttering): No. But I just got this backup phone a month ago. She’s in my other “real” phone.
Chris (gloating): When was the last time you talked to her?
Jaime (exasperated): Dude, she’s ALL OVER my Facebook page.
Chris (adopts his best sage expression): She sounds cool. I’m just saying… I don’t want you to end up hurt. These friendships you have might be more important to you- they might just be a blip on someone’s radar.
So, ladies and gents… the gauntlet has been thrown. I believe Chris is entirely wrong. I think the friendships we create in life are like an infinite tapestry, beginning and ending, ebbing and flowing. Whether I knew you best in high school or know you better now, we have history. You have knowledge about love, marriage and life that you want to share. We’re coming to see you- not because we have to, not because you’re the only person we know in town- but because we want to.
And it’s going be a blast.
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