I’ve decided to start a new category specifically for brides, grooms and wedding vendors who do things that defy reason, logic, or common decency. Of course, I will always hide the names to protect the “innocent”… not because I think they should be kept secret, but because I can’t afford a slander lawsuit right now. I’ll let Perez Hilton handle those.
Today in Oh Yes They Did, I offer you the following registry, sent to me by a friend of a friend:
I know you’re itching to click on that donate button above. Sorry, but what you’re seeing is a screen grab and not the real deal. I know. So disappointing. I guess you’ll have to go buy a few pairs of jeans to accumulate some consumer debt instead.
Registering for gifts is a useful thing. It helps you and your beloved decide what you’ll need at your new home. It also decreases the risk that you and your beloved will get really unattractive plateware from your distant Aunt Elma.
For some reason, however, registering turns even the nicest of brides (yes, that means you!) into evil little bride trolls. Here are just ten of the reasons how:
#10 You think it’s totally normal to register at your local bank.
“But we just bought a house!” you cry. Awesome. Inviting someone to help pay your mortgage is like asking your best friend to chip in for your electric bill after she comes over to watch The Bachelor. Would you do it? I don’t think so.
#9 You register at stores that are known to give cash back for unwanted wedding gifts.
I can’t tell you how many people have told me to register at certain stores because I’ll get cash back when I return the gifts that my family and friends have purchased off of my registry. To this I say… “why don’t I just walk down the aisle dressed as a set of branches and have people throw money at me instead?”
#8 You have a sudden need to register for an organic juicer.
Nevermind the fact that the last time you had a cup of juice was when you were cleaning out your cubby in kindergarten.
#7 You think it’s normal for a dinner plate to cost over a hundred dollars.
You even find yourself saying, “people will be cool with giving me one dinner plate as a gift, right?”
#6 You decide that you deserve to sleep on 500-thread count sheets when, up until now, you’ve been sleeping on an aerobed with Batman cotton twinsheets.
#5 You register at every store that offers a registry.
You even say things like, “this gives people so many options!” Even though what people are really saying behind your back is, “Troll Bride is one greedy mofo!”
#4 You cry when the flatware you want has been discontinued.
Nevermind the fact that you didn’t even KNOW the word “flatware” two weeks ago.
#3 You send your registry information to your vendors.
Your rationale is, of course, that they’ll be at your wedding, so they should naturally bring you a gift, right?
#2 You send out anonymous tips to friends and family to remind them that you have registries.
Of course, in your gift grubbing frenzy, you forget that your “anonymous tips” were printed on stationery that matches your invitations. Busted!
#1 They know you by name at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
And it’s not because you work there.
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