There are very few things that Chris and I are doing that fall under the category of “traditional”, but I don’t mind invitations because there’s something very special about ask your family to attend an important event through the use of bright colors and lickable paper. (Stamps, I’m talking about stamps. I know you got all excited, thinking that the invitation were going to be like paper-thin Jolly Ranchers. Wait… maybe?)

Of course this made me think of wedding invitations mistakes that one should never make. Should you make these mistakes, I will punish you by forcing you to spend ten hours with Lindsay Lohan in a windowless room.

Note: none of these stories and tips are about people I know. I’m no fool- I know where my bread is buttered.

#10  Mentioning the Money Tree that will be at your reception.
Your guests would be better off at a timeshare meeting. It costs them nothing, they get free drinks, and they don’t have to hang dollar bills on a paper mâché tree of FAIL.

#9 Sending a pity invite.
If someone receives an invite to your wedding within two weeks of the actual event, they are going to know that you pity-invited them. Not only does this suck emotionally, this requires them to buy you a gift, which is a double-suck.

#8  Calling your friend’s significant other “and guest” when you’ve met that “guest” at least twice.
Extra loser points if your friend has been with that person longer than you’ve been with your fiance. Consider yourself ex-communicated if the “and guest” was invited to your shower and bachelorette.

#7  Sending invitations after the wedding.
Oh, I know you’d NEVER do this. You’d never send an invitation to someone after the wedding, then claim that it got lost in the mail, would you? Before you answer, remember, the baby Jesus is watching.

#6  Including a return envelope intended for monetary gifts.
Believe it or not, this happened to a friend of mine. If this happens to you, take a small stack of Monopoly money and place it in the envelope. Affix a note to the “cash” that reads: “Sorry, I am uncomfortable sending real money through the mail.”

#5  Stapling your registry cards to the wedding invitations.
Imagine the glee that spread through my soul when I heard this story. Really… I mean, really? The practice of including registry information in a wedding invitation is dubious yet acceptable, however, invitation+registry card+ stapler should never meet.

#4  Including blank RSVP cards.
We’d all like to believe that our friends and families are smart. The simple fact is, they are not. Which means if you include blank RSVP cards, except to receive several blank ones back and several more with just the number of guests and no names.

#3  Making a memorial out of your invitation.
It is a very sad thing when a loved one cannot attend a wedding. There are definitely places to honor this loved one, like in your wedding program, during your wedding toast, or on your wedding website. Nothing will creep your guests out more than an invitation that reads “John (deceased) and Mary (also deceased) Johnson invite you to attend…”

#2  Sending out an invitation with spelling errors.
Not everyone is a wordsmith. And not everyone can survive without spell check. But there’s no excuse for inviting everyone to the “Evangelical Fee Church” for your wedding ceremony. Unless, of course, you really do want them to pay first.

#1  Pretending to be Edward and Bella from Twilight.
Please excuse me as I go crawl into my closet to weep for America’s lost youth.

As a kid, I hated getting green apples while trick or treating… why would they be ANY better as a wedding favor?

#9: The Fake Bird’s Nest

Yes, yes, I know these are supposed to be Jordan almonds. But c’mon… do I really want to imagine a baby bird while I eat them? Crunch… crunch…

#8  The Free Tree Favor

Yay! A free tree that I can plant in honor of Mr. Schmo and Mrs. Schmoett in… the concrete outside my apartment in San Francisco.

#7  The Decoration That’s Disguised as a Favor

Look! It’s a present for me! It’s… a sparkler that I can use to send off the happy couple!

#6  The Favor That Kills the Environment

There’s nothing quite like 100 plastic bottles of water to say, “ozone layer? what ozone layer?” Plus, water should be a given, damn it, NOT a favor.

#5  The “Why Not Get Lung Cancer While You’re At It?” Favor

Note to people who plan to give out cigars as favors- approximately FIVE people will enjoy getting a cancer stick as a favor. The other 95 will hate you for eternity when the other five start smoking them at your reception.

#4  The Golf Ball Candle

There are no words for this. None.

#3  The Pseudo Polly Pocket Favor

Wanna grill up some fake hamburger meat, pardner?  A bottle of BBQ sauce= useful. A mini BBQ set= FAIL.

#2  The Fake Alcohol Favor

You think you’re getting a nice little bottle of bubbly. But no, you’re getting a crappy fake champagne bottle full of bubble bath. NOT. FAIR.

#1  The Gross Wedding Favor That Makes You Want to Hurl

Because nothing says love quite like eating your second cousin’s face.