Sandbag your wedding.

Yep, you heard me correctly- sandbag it.

Now I know that you were planning on going to the gym twice a day, drinking twelve glasses of water per meal, and eliminating everything from carbs to carrots in order to look perfect on your wedding day.

Don’t do it.

Instead, be your badass, normal self and walk down the aisle looking exactly as you do now, with a little bit of makeup and hair help from the beauty gods. Show those pearly whites and paint your nails, but do not try to attain the “perfect you” before you walk down the aisle.

As you look at the pictures two months after your big day, bemoaning how you should have ignored my advice and lifted weights for ten months before your blessed affair, remember this: you’ll thank me in five years. Because in five years, you’re going to look even hotter than you did on your big day. You’ll have worked out and eaten a balanced diet. If you were trying to lose any weight, it will have come off naturally without restricting your diet to foods that start with “Z”.

The best part? When people whip out your wedding photos, they won’t say, “wow, is this you?” in a voice that says, “girl…your day has passed.” Instead, they will look at you and say, “wow, you just keep getting better and better, don’t you?”

Yes, a salad. Sigh.

With our wedding looming in the not-so-distant future, Chris and I are working toward becoming as lean and mean as possible. Problem is, I’ve only seemed to accomplish the latter, which leaves me stuck with the low-cal section of the menu. Which, by the way, has the worst name in the history of low-cal menus- WEIGHT MANAGEMENT SALADS.

I mean, really. Come on, Cheesecake Factory! This is all you could come up with during what I’m sure was a ten-hour meeting that included several non-weight management pasta dishes? Why not just call them, “Hey, I Know I’m a Fat Ass Salads” or “There’s No Way in Hell I’m Ordering This On a First Date Salads.”