Why is the American Dream so predictable? Lowes, how about Chris and I don’t buy a house in favor of giving up our apartment, traveling around the country, with a plan to explore communities different from our own? Does that screw up your marketing campaign?

Meet Alex and Kim. Oops, I’m sorry: AlexandKim. AlexandKim have one Facebook profile, which normally includes their shared last name (I retouched it out). Now, I don’t actually know AlexandKim. They’re a friend of a friend of a friend- and yes; I’m using the singular of “friend,” because, as noted above, AlexandKim are ONE PERSON. (And they’re also both female, according to their profile. I wonder how the Alexand feels about andKim’s decision to change his gender?)

Now, I think AlexandKim look like very nice people. People I’d want to have dinner with and shoot the shit. Of course, AlexandKim would probably disagree, given that I’m clowning on their profile. (A&K: I’m doing this for your own good. You’ll thank me later.)

WeFacers of the Social Universe, repeat after me: GETTING MARRIED DOES NOT MEAN THAT I NO LONGER HAVE A PERSONAL IDENTITY.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WeFacing. None. It’s almost as bad as WeMailing- but at least with WeMailing, no one is subjected to a string of couple profile pictures and status updates like, “AlexandKim are reading a book” (really… at the same time? Are they each holding a side?) and “AlexandKim are in the shower” (ahem).

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WeMailing. Zero. Welcome to 2010- email has been around for more than thirty years. You should know how to run your own personal account by now. So when I write you about my insane cramps and hatred of all things with “wings”, I don’t want to get a response from your husband advising me to take some Motrin.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WePhoning: Unless you’re caught underneath a boulder, rendering it impossible for you to race across the room to answer my call, your spouse shouldn’t be answering your cell phone. And if you’re caught underneath a boulder, he or she should probably be helping you, not talking to me.

Maybe you disagree. Sell me on the virtues of WeMail, WeFace, and WePhone. I’m willing to change my mind…  so long as my husband agrees.

Things I hate about The Nest, in no particular order:

• The feature, “what’s nestie now.” No matter how drunk on newlywed bliss I get, I’ll never use the word “nestie” in a sentence. Unless I’m talking about tea.
• The sub-feature, “obsessed with food.” I resent the idea that I should be waxing poetic about recipes now that Chris and I are married.
• Celebrity divorce blogs. I just got married, damn it. I don’t want to be thinking about divorce until at least my second year of wedding bliss.
• Community hot topics. I’m all for discussion, but the following forum topics don’t exactly resonate for most of the women I know: “I never knew about home buying. OMG!” posted by financiallyclueless67 and “Is this kitchen trend over?” posted by almostbarefootandpregnant31.

What’s most infuriating? How similar The Knot franchise is to my student loan- it never goes away. Before I got married, there was The Knot. Then came The Nest. Later I will receive The Bump. Apparently life stops after baby, because there isn’t a site called The Body That Baby Took Away. Don’t expect this to last long, however, as THE POWERS THAT BE OF ALL THINGS KNOTTIE (vomit) are surely going to follow with:

• The Default- How to successfully default on your home loan before you lose everything.
• The Useless- How to deal with losing all the money you deposited into a social security fund that you’ll never see.
• The Grave- How to make your funeral the best ever for under $20K. It’s “Your Perfect Last Day.”

To prepare, I’ve devised a list of rules for couples that are nearing the one-year anniversary mark. Note: I fully sanction you to disregard these rules until your first anniversary has passed.

After your first anniversary, thou shalt not:

• … use a wedding photo as your profile picture on Facebook. Yes, you look beautiful in your wedding pictures. But I’m guessing you also looked beautiful at least once over the past year.
• …still be writing your thank you notes. Granted, someone may have just given you a wedding gift, which means that you should respond accordingly. But if you’re still writing notes to your nearest and dearest for gifts received more than ten months ago, you’d better have a good excuse. Note: Jail is not a good excuse. Everyone knows that inmates have plenty of time to write letters.
  
• … still be angry with your bridesmaids or groomsmen for something they did/didn’t/could’ve/should’ve done during your wedding. They’ve already forgotten about your wedding and have moved on to something more important… the present day. Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time in the future to screw up their special days too.
• … count the length of your marriage in months. There are few things more annoying than someone who says, “Our child is thirty-two and a half months.” No one should have to whip out a calculator to figure out how old your child is. Similarly, a marriage is counted in years, sometimes half years, after the first one is complete. Acceptable phraseology includes, “just over a year,” “a year this past August, ” and “a year and a half in December.”
• … be an active member of The Knot community forums. At least move on to The Nest. It’s all about progression, baby.

And the most important former newlywed commandment is…

Thou shalt not get pregnant because you feel pressured, are bored, or want to be the center of attention. I’m all for populating the Earth, but relax! Enjoy another day, month, or (gasp!) even year of marriage before you jump back into the fire.

Over the past six months, Roxy has become a part of our family in a way that we never expected. After all, she is just a “brilliant silver” 2010 Ford Fusion- a mere material possession. Maybe it’s the fact that we practically lived in her as we traversed the country during the final days before our marriage ceremony. Or maybe it’s that she represented a connection to the country at large every time we passed a Ford dealership. It may sound stupid to you, but it is very real to us.

We spent our last moments with Roxy on the coldest, dreariest day of the year. We took some pictures, shot some video, and listened to her Sync voice one more time.  As she drove off to meet her maker (Jason Camp of the Los Angeles Media Fleet Division), Chris and looked in the opposite direction to keep from bawling. We will miss Roxy, but the bottom line cost of purchasing a car of her quality just doesn’t jive with our current financial goals.

To borrow from Marley and Me, I have these final words about Roxy, arguably the world’s greatest car:

“What I really wanted to say was how this car had touched our souls and taught us some of the most important lessons of our lives. Roxy taught us about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. She taught me to appreciate the simple things- a drive into the sunset, singing along to the radio, and traveling between the cities of the people you love most.”

Side note: To all the asshats who thought we changed our name to Ford because we wanted to get free stuff, I hope you’ll now find someone else to verbally assault. We’re Fordless Fords… and we’re cool with that.

• Your spouse has to work late with an attractive co-worker several times a week.
• You gain weight while your spouse just keeps getting hotter.
• An ex-partner contacts your spouse and asks to meet up.
• Children enter the equation, reducing your sex life to holidays and long weekends.
• Your spouse gets drunk and hooks up with your best friend because he or she has been secretly wanting that person for years.

The whole cheating thing is not so far-fetched. After all, a recent story in The Week contended that men and women are not biologically created to be monogamous. According to Truth About Deception, thirty to sixty percent of all married individuals will “engage in infidelity at some point in their marriage.”

So how do you know if your husband or wife has a bit on the side? Get ready for the world’s most obvious answer…

ASK.

That’s right. Have a conversation. Sit down and actually look at one another. As you’re talking, make sure to pull out a copy of US Weekly or Star magazine. Of course, this advice only applies to couples like Bill/Hillary Clinton and Tiger Woods/Elin Nordegren. For everyone else, Truth About Deception offers other signs:

• Your spouse suddenly needs more space. (Note: this does not mean that when your wife asks for her own home office, she’s really looking for a new spot to bang the postman.)
• Your spouse seems bored with you, family, work, or home life. (Note: if other people also fall asleep while you are talking, you might be the problem, not infidelity.)
• Your spouse doesn’t care about having sex. (Note: Well, at least not with you.)
• Your spouse keeps his or her cell phone hidden. (Note: this doesn’t give you the license to start policing his text messages, phone calls, and iPhone app collection.)

Now, before you go all Nancy Drew and start looking for evidence that might not even exist, ask yourself if you really and truly believe there’s spousal shadiness going on. You may just be feeling insecure about yourself and passing that discomfort on to your better half. Remember the famous words of the doctor of love himself, Ice Cube, “check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

For the overly serious of you (and yes, I know who you are), I jest. The trip rocked and I loved almost everything. So when I tell you about my favorite food, it’s not because I didn’t have forty other homemade meals that were delicious. Everyone was a fantastic “guest” and treated us really well. Even those with dogs that tried to mount us (true story!). So here are some random favorites…

Best Mix CD

Many had asked about which was the best CD we were given at our Red Devil Lounge Kickoff party, and the winner was Colleen Crouch, who amazed us with a large collection of This American Life, Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, Savage Love, and mashups.

But we had dozens of other great ones, and Erin Camarena, Christina Kerby, and Matt Caywood all deserve shout-outs.

And so does Evan Hayden for having the balls to start a CD with Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John…which totally rocked.

Prettiest Drive

We live in a very good looking country! I know you grew up with her, and see her a lot, but clear your mind and look at her again. Yup, she’s not just the kid you went to elementary school with – she’s HOT!

Take that, Europe, you cold bitch.

We saw lots of great scenery, some surprising (West Texas, Kentucky, northeastern Oregon) and others expected (Mount Shasta, the St. Petersburg-Clearwater Bridge). My favorite though was the drive from Denver to Santa Fe – first the green eastern slope of the Rockies, with towering mountains in the distance and pancake flat plains below, then through a pass to New Mexico, stark and striking, with its bleak yellow mesas shadowed by the occasional solitary cloud.

Funnest Drive

Since New Mexico appears to have a population of 17 people, it’s light on the highway patrol. Roxy got to visit 110 MPH for a little while…though Jaime hit 112 in Utah. The hairpin turns on Independence Pass above Aspen were also a ball, although Jaime was sure we were going to die. So for high speed entertainment, I recommend driving from Utah into Arizona on I-10 through the video game-inspired Virgin River valley – sheer walls of rock, constant turns, and steep downward grade.

Funniest Drive

The Tampa to Ft. Lauderdale drive, featuring the stunning St. Petersburg-Clearwater Bridge and the arcade game danger of Alligator Alley – where I honestly expected a two lane road threatened by snapping gators. It’s actually quite dull but the entertainment value for Jaime when I shared my vision made it a lot more fun. And driving through Florida is accompanied by its insane collection of billboards that advertise—in succession—porn, an end to abortions, and vasectomies. These themes may be related.

Best BBQ

Mark’s Feed Store of Louisville does have some good BBQ, but Chad Pilbeam of greater outer Houston left work two hours early to mesquite smoke two whole chickens. And it was outstanding.

Craziest Drivers

Hands down, the people of Cleveland, who were apparently texting constantly or were blowing a 0.8. Genuinely scary driving with people swerving between lanes or slowing down to 40 on the interstate then speeding up to 70.

Best Restaurant (that we went to on our own)

I’m not going to evaluate the places people took us, because there is no way I could pick a favorite. But we had some lunches and dinners on our own, with the far and away standout being Magnolia’s Restaurant in Charleston, South Carolina. Fried chicken, pork shoulder, a crab cake…it was rich, unhealthy, and delicious.

Photo Courtesy of RockandRollBride.com

In exploring the many issues related to marriage, there is none more prominent than the ongoing state-by-state battle over the legal rights of same-sex partners. Today, the New York State Senate voted down a proposal to legalize same-sex marriage by a vote of 38 to 24. I consider this pretty depressing, given that New York is home to almost three hundred thousand members of the GLB community, the largest gay population in the United States.*

If only more people got the picture like New York State Senate Committee on Civil Service and Pensions Chair Diane Savino, who said most eloquently in the video below, “we in government don’t determine the quality or the validity of peoples’ relationships. If we did, we would not issue three-quarters of the marriage licenses we do.”

After watching this video, I am further convinced that there is something painfully wrong with a system that gives complete strangers the legal right to marry, yet will not afford the same opportunity to deeply committed same-sex couples. Unlike their same-sex counterparts, a straight couple can secure a marriage license in less time than it takes to update their car registration at the DMV. For fewer than one hundred dollars, I could marry my postman this afternoon, were I not already legally bound to Chris (and in some states, I could have them both, woo-hoo!)

To those who oppose gay marriage, I have these questions:

-If marriage is considered that sacred, why make it so easy for any (straight) person over eighteen to obtain?

-If you’re going to deny the rights of a minority, why not question who should be married out of the majority? Why not add a few restrictions, like pre-marital classes and stricter divorce laws?

-Which would bother you more: a same-sex couple together for twenty-five years getting hitched in a quiet church ceremony, or a heterosexual couple tying the knot as they drink out of their 7-Eleven rented slurpee machine? Which do you consider more “sacred”?

Photo by Lesley Bryce Photography

It’s possible you’ve been reading Wedding Road Trip because you’re getting ready for your own “perfect” day. Whether it’s your first, or even your second, you might benefit from some hot tips I picked up during ours.

You are not magical on your wedding day. Normal laws of biology and physics still apply to you. For example, if it’s a sunny day in California in August, you will burn without sunscreen. You don’t want to be lobster red and need to wear your sister’s foundation at the after party – not that it happened to me.

A little champagne can soothe the nerves. If you’re the groom, I prescribe a glass right before the ceremony. Please disregard this advice for Mormon nuptials.

People will cry, so carry a tissue. My mom cried, my sister cried, I even teared up (which normally only happens during playoff games).

Eat! You may be nervous and you’ll certainly be distracted, so even if you intend to, you might forget to fuel and bitch out. Luckily our friend Janet took it upon herself to be our designated snackee and plied us with almonds all day long. And drink water, too, or you’ll just find yourself wolfing down Coronas like I did.

Practice your first dance. Trust me on this one. Learn from my mistakes.

At the reception, put the head table in the middle of everyone, not set to the side. Just my perspective, but being in the mix with the rest of the tables made us more accessible but also allowed us to disappear into the crowd. And sometimes it’s nice to not have everyone looking at you.

It is so essential to have a concierge looking out for you at the reception. There is no way to make it to the bar without being rushed by three guests. My cousin Lara made sure to bring us wine – and brought us white so we wouldn’t stain The Wedding Dress.

Wear comfortable shoes. My back still hurts…

Everyone will be nice to you all day long. This sounds obvious, but it wasn’t to us beforehand – we were tired, stressed, and juggling logistics with emotions. A part of me was convinced we’d spend our wedding day fielding complaints and explaining directions and timetables. Instead everyone was SO nice and happy. Our guests were thrilled to be there. The vendors rocked. And people smiled and hugged and partied and did it for real – not to make us happy, but because they were so happy.

And after a six-week Wedding Road Trip and another month of setting up the final ceremony, talking so much in isolation, we saw that we weren’t an island but belonged to this big community that loves us. That, or free food and alcohol can make magic happen.