wedding road trip

Top 10 Mistakes to Avoid at the Altar

I’m in Fresno right now for a wedding of one of my “favoritest” people in the whole world, Sye, and his lovely bride-to-be, Laura. On Sunday, they’ll become one, both in the eyes of the law and in the biblical sense. (Nice mental imagery for Sye’s future in-laws.)

Of course, I’m sure Sye is living in fear that he’ll accidentally say or do something ridiculous during the all too important “I do” moment. To save him from doing something that will quickly become family legend, I offer up the following tips. Sye, take heed and remember… if you do something embarrassing, I’ll totally be there to support you, Flip video camera in hand. Hello, YouTube!

#10  Don’t print the words “help me” on the soles of your shoes.
Sure, you think it’s hilarious. But what if someone has had too many pre-ceremony cocktails? Imagine the confusion as a guest rushes forward to “save you” and instead gets your future wife’s bouquet right in the kisser.

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#9 Turn your cell phone off before you walk down the aisle.
I know you really like your “SexyBack” ringtone, but it totally clashes with George Winston. Plus, who’s going to be calling you? Nothing like getting a call from Comcast right as you’re saying, “I do.”

#8 Don’t accidentally put your new wife’s ring on her middle finger.
Though now that I think about it, that would be pretty damn funny. So please do it.

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#7  Don’t say your ex-girlfriend’s name during the vows.
I know it’s been years since you’ve dated anyone else, but now would be the ABSOLUTE worst time to say any name but that of your future wife. Then again, if every woman you’ve ever dated has the same name, you’re totally safe.

#6 Don’t go for the tongue on that first kiss.
Ya, it’s funny.  Until it’s totally gross. Your mama doesn’t want to see that and neither does the wedding photographer. Keep it clean, kids.

#5  If your future wife drops your ring, don’t go hunting for it.
That’s what you’re paying the pastor for. Besides, hide and go seek is for the honeymoon.

#4 Don’t grab the maid of honor’s butt during the sand ceremony.
Though in some cases, this might also be “don’t grab the best man’s butt during the sand ceremony.”

#3 Don’t arrange to have your bride kidnapped during the ceremony.
Apparently, there is a long lost German tradition that says the bride should be kidnapped sometime during the wedding. The groom, as his first act as husband, is given clues to find her. Pretty funny, until you find your bride belly up at the local bar, drinking with your supposed best man.

#2  Make sure you have a left and a right shoe.
Apparently this happens quite often to grooms. While I know your dancing abilities rival that of an electrocuted chicken, it’s gonna suck if both of your shoes are for your left feet.

#1 Don’t freak out about the future.
Spending a lifetime together is scary stuff, indeed. But remember, everything happens one day at a time. So just say it with me now… “I do.”  Now, wasn’t that easy?

Tags: funny altar moments, funny wedding moments, wedding ceremony tips