The Ten Bridesmaid Commandments
While researching the history of bridesmaids for Wedding Road Trip, I came across a story that had me choking on my coffee.
According to an article in the Daily Mail (circa 2008), one in five women ask their BFFs to sign a bridesmaid pre-nup. Included:
- Don’t get fat
- Don’t get pregnant
- Don’t cut your hair
- Don’t get engaged
- Don’t move to another state
While I have a hard time believing this statistic is even remotely close to factual, I have to say that I am not surprised.
As a former bridesmaid (five times over), I have been pretty lucky. The dresses were nice, the brides chill, and the duties reasonable. Take a look at the picture to the left. Notice how happy I am to be wearing a lavender dress and holding a bouquet of flowers. You want to know why?
The bride didn’t suck.
That being said, other women around the bridal world have not been nearly as fortunate. For those bridesmaids, past, present, and future, I offer up the only recourse in my arsenal- the written word.
THE TEN BRIDESMAID COMMANDMENTS FOR THE NEWLY ENGAGED
*compiled through conversations with friends… not from personal experience
Thou shalt not tell your Maid of Honor that she must not get pregnant during your engagement period. You do not own her uterus.
Thou shalt not adorn your bridesmaids in dresses that purposely make them look fatter than you. Go to the gym.
Thou shalt not expect your out-of-state bridesmaids to attend more than one pre-wedding event. And share your frequent flier miles while you’re at it, you stingy beast.
Thou shalt not give all but one bridesmaid a special title, ie: “This is my Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor, and my Bridesmaid.” Cue the pigeons in Cinderella.
Thou shalt not expect reciprocity when your bridesmaids get married. Not everyone wants twenty-five BFFs standing next to them at their wedding.
Thou shalt not require honesty from your bridesmaids on the day of your wedding. The answer to “do I look fat and ugly in this dress” will always be “no” from your bridesmaids, even if you look like the Exxon Valdez, pre-oil spill.
Thou shalt remember to thank your bridesmaids during your wedding toast. Even if you hate them at this point, it will save you hours of arguments in the future.
Thou shalt not tell your bridesmaids how to “act” at your reception. If you’re worried that your Maid of Honor will disgrace herself in the bushes behind the church bingo hall, you probably should have left that friendship back in high school.
Thou shalt not favor one bridesmaid over another. Saying the phrase, “I had to add an extra bridesmaid because I needed both sides to be even,” may cause your friends to wonder who was the (unlucky) fifth.
Thou shalt not ask male bridesmaids to attend the bachelorette party. You’re emasculating them enough as is, trust me.
Tags: 10 bridesmaid commandments, bridal party, bridesmaid humor, bridesmaid pre-nup, funny wedding, ten bridesmaid commandments, wedding horror stories
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As a former Professional Wedding Planner I applaud this. This should be handed out as a guide to everyone before they agree to be in a wedding. I had rules as a consultant that I expected brides to follow…one of them was “I’m not your b@#$%, don’t treat me like it.” Your wedding and all your postings give me so much to laugh about! thanks!
Love it!! Must share this with others!
I disagree with the last commandment! Your husband attended my bachelorette party and had a great ti–wait, did you get this idea from him?
Hahaha, Heather- funny, my friend Leif came for my “bachelorette” weekend- though I didn’t have a bridal party. I guess I was thinking that the traditional bachelorette party has a lot of phallic references and silly games, something that would make most men crawl under the carpet. Besides, Chris was an usher in your wedding, so technically he wasn’t part of the bridal party- so all bets were off, right? I am sure he had a great time!
Well, there was a horrifying male stripper and all that, but he got to enjoy watching said horrifying male stripper turn all the girls upside down and violate us every which way, which I think he found amusing. Almost as amusing as when one of the male bridesmaid’s wives (also in attendance) got positively loaded and started flashing everyone in the limo. That I know he liked because he still talks about it.
Oh, AND, as I recall, he and the two male bridesmaids very much enjoyed blindfolding me and then holding the penis-pinata for me to bash. I’m not even kidding. They had fun. I mean, carload of drunk girls - what’s not to love?
Thank you for providing these ideas.
Does the bride give the “thank you” wedding toast normally? I’ve been at one wedding where she did, but at all of the others, the groom did all the talking. Just curious, really.
Fred- at our wedding, we both talked, something I’ve seen about half of the time. But I agree, it is more traditional for only the man to talk- not sure why that is.
I think “wedding toast” is meant to encompass any point when the bride and/or groom speaks in front of a group of people. In all of the weddings I have been in, the bride has made a point to say something about her bridesmaids, whether it be during the actual wedding or during the rehearsal dinner.
The article is very professionally written- I really liked it.