Is Divorce an Option?
Please don’t read anything into the fact that I’m thinking about divorce this morning. It was a topic of major conversation this past weekend during our hometown Wedding Road Trip interviews, and it’s still on my mind.
This past Sunday, we had the chance to wine and dine with my Aunt Jeri and Uncle Jim. Both on their second marriages, they talked candidly about the mistakes they had made in the past and what they had learned from their previous circumstances. While both ended up with two great kids, they admitted that when they got married the first time, they thought it would be forever.
But in this instance, second time’s a charm. Jim met Jeri while managing the apartment building where he lived. When Jim decided to ask Jeri out, she shut him down quickly, letting him know that dating someone in her building was a conflict of interest.
He put in his thirty day notice the next afternoon.
Their marital preamble was short and sweet, culminating in an engagement that involved a limo and a trip to New Orleans. They were married in Lake Tahoe a year later and have now been together for almost twenty years. A few years into the relationship, they were also “blessed” with my cousin, Paul. I put “blessed” in quotations because I am still bitter about the time that he beat me at a game of chess when he was only seven years old (I was 25). They have built a beautiful family, and both Chris and I always look forward to catching up with Jeri and Jim’s latest adventures.
Over the past two decades, Jeri and Jim have never contemplated divorce, no matter how trying times have been. Considering they raised three teenagers together and are now on their fourth, this is an achievement that is Nobel Peace Prize-worthy. When they instructed that divorce should never be an option for us, I balked immediately. If divorce had not happened in my own family, I wouldn’t have my younger brother, my stepdad, or some of my greatest Ventura memories. While I’d never advocate it as a first choice, is it really the big, bad demon that society has deemed it to be? I appreciate the sentiment, but is it reality?
Let me set one thing straight: I am not going into a marriage Chris with a plan to ditch him for a new model. I’m diving into marriage with everything I’ve got, which will hopefully translate into a lifetime together. But I’m also not going to say that a divorce could never happen. To make a statement like that requires me to be able to forsee the future, something I’ve yet had the power to accomplish, no matter how many books on E.S.P. I’ve read.
Tags: fresno wedding road trip, is divorce an option, wedding road trip fresno
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Lovely post. I hate it when people use the term “broken home.” While divorce is not ideal, there are worse things in this world. And there are many blessings that can come out of it.
Beautifully put.. I think it’s crucial to discuss divorce when entering into marriage, and you couldn’t have mirrored my own personal feelings about it better.
That was pretty darn classy of Jim to throw down his 30 day notice like that.
I’m a bit confused by the title of the blog, though. Is divorce an option? Well, yeah… we don’t live in Malta. But in thinking about it…..
There is less pressure for people in our generation to marry so young, so maybe we’re a little wiser by the time we get married in our 30s. I guess this means that we really understand and respect the commitment we’re making, as opposed to hoping that we understand.
When I got married at 22, (with INS breathing heavily down my neck), I thought it was going to last forever as well, but looking back, I should have known that it was obvious that this wasn’t going to happen.
It seems that the best way to guarantee a happy marriage is to make sure that both parts of the couple are on the same wavelength in terms of what they want/expect from the partner, and have the ability to communicate and adapt to each other.
I think, however, that certain individuals just don’t have the maturity or true desire to stay married, and opt out accordingly. Does our society perpetuate this with all of the messages of self-absorption and self-entitlement that we get shoved in our faces? Possibly.
Actually, Jeri has three and Jim has three. Figure that one out.
In the past, people vowed to honor each other for as long as they both “shall live.” A lot of people have changed that to as long as they both “shall love.” The reality is we just can’t know how we’ll feel in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years. Some people commit to push through potential discomfort and unhappiness, hoping it’s for the best in the long-term. Others agree to give it their best go, and walk away if and when it seems irreparably damaged.
I know some people say the sacrament has lost its meaning because of the high divorce rate. I agree it’s sad family values have changed somewhat–and that people consider divorce before couples therapy, compromise, etc–but I think there’s a lot of good that’s come from the de-shaming of divorce. Wives now stand up for themselves when their husbands beat them. Husbands walk away when their wives have affairs. People no longer use “happily ever after” as an excuse to stay comfortably unhappy.
I think it comes down to deciding what the vows mean for you personally. (And me personally). If and when I’m in your shoes, I will ask myself and my partner the following questions:
What could go wrong?
How are we going to handle it?
Will divorce be an option?
Under what circumstances?
Hi Jaime,
I enjoyed your blog. Just a couple of minor changes.
Number 1: I think Jim and I both acknowledged that some marriages are not retrievable, so we don’t neccesarily advocate, for example,staying in a marriage that is abusive. We do advocate going into a marriage with conviction, because if you ride out the tough times (and everyone has them ), your marriage grows and strengthens.
And Number 2:
Actually, it was more than a year after our engagement that we tied the knot.
We love you and are looking forward to your wedding!
Allison- when I wrote two each, I was speaking of their first marriages. In total, yes, they have five kids.
Fred- the title of the blog is the question that I am asking myself- meaning- people who believe it is never, never an option, even though in reality, it is. We met several people on the road who believe this, so I was exploring the topic.
Lori and Fred- I agree- communication is key- and to us, divorce is an option, but it is very, very far down the list.
Jeri- definitely. I was speaking purely about the idea that growing apart is not an acceptable reason for divorce in some people’s eyes. I know many people who have made a choice to get married and have found themselves growing in a new direction from their spouses that is not reversible. I think we all agree that abusive situations warrant an exit, so I think we’re on the same page with that.
I have made a correction to the timeline, above. Thanks for the comment!