wedding road trip

Muni Scares Me

It’s early… and I’ve just schlepped on to the N Line to head downtown.

Train Driver (over the loudspeaker): I am about to close the doors. REMEMBER, after I close the doors and cross the train tracks, you may not get off this train until we reach the Van Ness station.

Okay, a little odd, I think to myself, but maybe this particular driver is into clarifying things. It’s all good.

Ten seconds pass. The doors close.

Train Driver (over the loudspeaker): The doors are now closed. I have just closed the doors. Remember, now that the doors are closed, I will cross the train tracks, which means YOU CAN NOT GET OUT until Van Ness Station.

At this point I’m starting to worry a bit. Maybe this Muni driver is about to “go muni” on everyone and this is the moment when I should REALLY consider getting the HELL off of this train.

The train starts to inch forward. I notice that the other passengers are looking a wee bit worried as well. I turn to the guy next to me, who seems fascinated by the fact that the steps of the train are rising up to become even with the platform.

Random Guy (to me, dead serious): Wow… that was really fun!

Uh oh.

Now I’ve got a psycho Muni driver leading the charge AND a random crazy guy as my train-riding sidekick. I’m starting to feel that my fate is sealed. It seems as if one of two things will happen:

1. Crazy guy will pull out a gun and open fire on everyone within a two foot radius. Namely me.
2. Psycho Muni driver will go into warp speed and run our train off the tracks and into the Bay. Killing someone. Namely me.

We near the Van Ness tunnel. The train pauses for a moment.

Train Driver (over the loudspeaker): We are now stopped on our way to Van Ness Station. We will be here for a moment. Maybe several moments. Maybe a very long time, in fact. Please do not do anything but wait. Your options are limited, so choose wisely.

I’m sorry… CHOOSE WISELY?!? I’m already starting to think that I’ve chosen very, very poorly.

Crazy Guy to my right starts to mumble.

Crazy Guy: It’s all the government’s fault. The energy bill is too long and the Senate can’t read it in time and we’re all going to die, die, die!!!
(Note to self… it doesn’t cost that much more to take a cab every morning. Do it! Do it!)

I decide to calm my nerves by looking at the other passengers on the train. Everyone is strangely quiet, so quiet, in fact, that I hear the sound “click” “click” “click”. It sounds strangely like… no, it couldn’t… be…

It is.

A woman is clipping her toenails in the middle of the train.

I am close to vomiting as I watch the shavings hit the floor like an array of little half moons. Crazy Guy begins to watch in fascination, humming and muttering about the need to slash the federal deficit.

The minutes tick by.

Twenty minutes later, the train is moving again. When we finally reach Van Ness Station, I catapult off the train and on to the platform… free at last. I am so shaken up that I wait for TWO trains to pass before I board the third.

As the doors close and the train begins to move… I hear…

Train Driver (over the loudspeaker): The train is now moving… you can not get off the train until we reach Civic Center Station…

Tags: muni san francisco