Now that Chris and I are married, we all know what happens next, right? Here’s what Lowes has to say:
Why is the American Dream so predictable? Lowes, how about Chris and I don’t buy a house in favor of giving up our apartment, traveling around the country, with a plan to explore communities different from our own? Does that screw up your marketing campaign?
Meet Alex and Kim. Oops, I’m sorry: AlexandKim. AlexandKim have one Facebook profile, which normally includes their shared last name (I retouched it out). Now, I don’t actually know AlexandKim. They’re a friend of a friend of a friend- and yes; I’m using the singular of “friend,” because, as noted above, AlexandKim are ONE PERSON. (And they’re also both female, according to their profile. I wonder how the Alexand feels about andKim’s decision to change his gender?)
Now, I think AlexandKim look like very nice people. People I’d want to have dinner with and shoot the shit. Of course, AlexandKim would probably disagree, given that I’m clowning on their profile. (A&K: I’m doing this for your own good. You’ll thank me later.)
WeFacers of the Social Universe, repeat after me: GETTING MARRIED DOES NOT MEAN THAT I NO LONGER HAVE A PERSONAL IDENTITY.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WeFacing. None. It’s almost as bad as WeMailing- but at least with WeMailing, no one is subjected to a string of couple profile pictures and status updates like, “AlexandKim are reading a book” (really… at the same time? Are they each holding a side?) and “AlexandKim are in the shower” (ahem).
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WeMailing. Zero. Welcome to 2010- email has been around for more than thirty years. You should know how to run your own personal account by now. So when I write you about my insane cramps and hatred of all things with “wings”, I don’t want to get a response from your husband advising me to take some Motrin.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WePhoning: Unless you’re caught underneath a boulder, rendering it impossible for you to race across the room to answer my call, your spouse shouldn’t be answering your cell phone. And if you’re caught underneath a boulder, he or she should probably be helping you, not talking to me.
Maybe you disagree. Sell me on the virtues of WeMail, WeFace, and WePhone. I’m willing to change my mind… so long as my husband agrees.
I just got another email from The Nest, which is The Knot’s online magazine for married couples. Though I’ve tried to unsubscribe (more than once), I still receive this nauseating reminder of coupledom every week. Worse yet, I received a copy of The Nest magazine in the mail last week, which was a) annoying and b) environmentally unfriendly.
Things I hate about The Nest, in no particular order:
What’s most infuriating? How similar The Knot franchise is to my student loan- it never goes away. Before I got married, there was The Knot. Then came The Nest. Later I will receive The Bump. Apparently life stops after baby, because there isn’t a site called The Body That Baby Took Away. Don’t expect this to last long, however, as THE POWERS THAT BE OF ALL THINGS KNOTTIE (vomit) are surely going to follow with:
As Chris and I near our first anniversary, I find myself thinking about the word “newlywed.” In three months, I have to say goodbye to the word that has become part of my identity for the past nine months.
To prepare, I’ve devised a list of rules for couples that are nearing the one-year anniversary mark. Note: I fully sanction you to disregard these rules until your first anniversary has passed.
After your first anniversary, thou shalt not:
And the most important former newlywed commandment is…
Thou shalt not get pregnant because you feel pressured, are bored, or want to be the center of attention. I’m all for populating the Earth, but relax! Enjoy another day, month, or (gasp!) even year of marriage before you jump back into the fire.
It seems like yesterday that Roxy rolled into our lives, with only four hundred miles on her odometer and all of the tread still on her tires. Back then, Chris and I were biased against cars, seeing no need for them in our walk-friendly city of San Francisco.
Over the past six months, Roxy has become a part of our family in a way that we never expected. After all, she is just a “brilliant silver” 2010 Ford Fusion- a mere material possession. Maybe it’s the fact that we practically lived in her as we traversed the country during the final days before our marriage ceremony. Or maybe it’s that she represented a connection to the country at large every time we passed a Ford dealership. It may sound stupid to you, but it is very real to us.
We spent our last moments with Roxy on the coldest, dreariest day of the year. We took some pictures, shot some video, and listened to her Sync voice one more time. As she drove off to meet her maker (Jason Camp of the Los Angeles Media Fleet Division), Chris and looked in the opposite direction to keep from bawling. We will miss Roxy, but the bottom line cost of purchasing a car of her quality just doesn’t jive with our current financial goals.
To borrow from Marley and Me, I have these final words about Roxy, arguably the world’s greatest car:
“What I really wanted to say was how this car had touched our souls and taught us some of the most important lessons of our lives. Roxy taught us about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. She taught me to appreciate the simple things- a drive into the sunset, singing along to the radio, and traveling between the cities of the people you love most.”
Side note: To all the asshats who thought we changed our name to Ford because we wanted to get free stuff, I hope you’ll now find someone else to verbally assault. We’re Fordless Fords… and we’re cool with that.
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